Sunday, August 2, 2009

can u dig it?

The Burrowers (2008).
Dir: J.T. Petty
Cast: William Mapother, Doug Hutchison, Sean Patrick Thomas, Laura Leighton, Karl Geary, Clancy Brown, Alexander Skarsgard, Stan Burd, Robert Richard and Galen Hutchison.


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It's 1879, somewhere on the dusty plains of Dakota (that's in America for our European - and probably quite a few of our American - readers) nice but dim Irish immigrant Coffey (Mimic: Sentinel star Geary, a dead cert to play Cassidy in the Preacher movie I reckon) is skipping merrily toward the Stewart family homestead after finally building up enough courage to ask for their young, flaxen haired daughter Maryanne's hand (and the rest of her obviously) in marriage (and hoping her tough as nails dad will agree).


Expecting to see his beloved running thru' the wheat fields to meet him, he's surprised (to say the least) to find a destroyed and blood soaked cabin, the family gutted (literally) yet no sign of his missis to be.

As is the way with these cowboy types, the local tribe of badboy Injuns are automatically blamed for this vile case of white woman rustling and a rescue party, led by the smarmy Parcher (cousin of Scientology stooge Tom Cruise and star of Lost, Mapother) alongside his lady friends teenage son Dobie (Hutchison) and grizzled nice man John Clay (professional everyman and Santa-alike Brown) is hastily dispatched to find Maryanne before the wicked red skins do anything rude to her.

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"Do you think they'll eat her whole?"
"No, I've heard they spit that bit out".
(This 'joke' only really works if you say it
out loud. Sorry).


Heading off into the brownly barren territories our motley crew soon come across the mad as a lorryful of spanners Cavalry officer Henry Victor (X-Files very own Victor Tooms himself Hutchinson) and his band of brothers, who happily drop everything to join in a wee bit of native bashing, starting with the first one that they find.

Yup, this Victor fella's a bad man and no mistaking.

And a rather sweaty one too.

When slicing his feet, cutting bits of him off and name calling fails to draw a confession from the poor guy, Parcher decides to offer him a nice cup of coffee and ask him nicely if he knows the whereabouts of the missing woman.

The Indian brave still denies having nothing to do with the abductions but begins to rant about a group of strange burrowers whom the Indians (especially the mentalist Ute tribe) have encountered years before.

Spoiling for a wee massacre, Victor assumes that these 'burrowers' must be an evil tribe and begins to prepare his lynching equipment and furiously sharpening his knives.

Parcher on the other hand isn't so sure, you see he's knows about stuff so reckons that if the Ute know anything at all it's probably best to go see them.

But not before an evening of manly chat, strong coffee, filter-less fags and much pissing in bushes.

It's during the night that things start to get a bit strange.

Soldiers keep falling into holes, there's a strange whistling in the air and a load of weird mini-crop circles with tunnels in the middle keep appearing from nowhere.

If that wasn't enough, when daybreak finally comes a few of Victors men appear to have run off during the night.

Or could something more sinister be afoot?

Frankly bored by Vile Vic's bonkers macho posturing (and no doubt disgusted by his stale man smell) Parcher and co. (now joined by disgruntled army chef Walnut Callaghan - Thomas from Teevee's The District) decide to go it alone.

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Parcher's official Princess Diana novelty
table was always a big hit at parties.


As our merry band cautiously set off toward Ute territory, they rather unexpectedly find an abandoned wagon and stopping to see if there are any crisps and pop in the back stumble (quite literally) across a half buried (and three quarter dead) young girl in a bush.

Which is unusual (if not a little unnerving) for everyone involved.

Wanting to be the returning hero himself (and obviously not wanting to upset his missis), Parcher orders young Dobie to take the wagon to the nearest outpost whilst the real men continue on the quest.

Heading further and further in hostile territory, the group have to deal with not only random violent attacks from unfriendly locals resulting in a sudden and unexpected death, but the knowledge that the mysterious burrowers may be something more than just a mysterious native tribe but marginally less than human...

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Fancy a Coffey?


As a native Squaw found nursing her dying husband after encountering the Burrowers explains to Coffey when he asks why they've never encountered these things before, she replies "...You white men killed all the buffalo.....so now they have to feed on something else.”

Visibly shaken by this revelation but more determined that ever to find his true love, Coffey heads even deeper into the unknown....

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"Aye hen".



After bursting onto the scene with one of the best debuts ever in the sublime Soft for Digging, JT Petty kind of fell off the radar somewhat, only resurfacing with the (fairly decent for straight to dvd) Mimic 3 and a dozen video games to his credit.

Luckily for us he hit back in recent (well, I say recent) months with the double whammy of S&man and The Burrowers, cementing his talent as one of the most thoughtful and lyrical directors working in the genre today.

Playing out like a stripped bare version of The Searchers as re-imagined by Joe R Lansdale, The Burrowers uses it's low budget to it's advantage, high on dialogue and characterization and builds uncomfortably toward it's climax like a slow moving dark behemoth whose shadow casts ominously across it's characters from the very moment they decide to discover the truth behind poor hapless Maryanne's disappearance, rewarding the viewer with an almost Brothers Grimm style climax in one of the best low budget horrors of the past ten years.

Oh and if that wasn't enough it does indeed have monsters in it!

What's not to love?

Pity then that Lion's Gate have chosen to unceremoniously dump it straight to DVD in the states, meaning we'll be lucky to find a copy for sale anywhere over here.

Bastards.


Saturday, August 1, 2009

the gore the merrier.

Catching up on dozens of draft reviews here so stick with me as I unblock my B movie back passage.

It may get a wee bit messy.

Anyways, you've prolly all seen this gem by now but for those who haven't I'll not give too much away.

For a change.

Tōkyō Zankoku Keisatsu (AKA Tokyo Gore Police, 2008)
Dir: Yoshihiro Nishimura.
Cast: Eihi Shiina, Itsuji Itao, Yukihide Benny, Ikuko Sawada, Jiji Bū, Tak Sakaguchi, Keisuke Horibe, Shun Sugata and Cherry Kirishima.


Welcome to Tokyo of the near future where the police force has been privatized, turning your average copper into a Samurai style armoured-clad killing machine more interested in wholesale slaughter (and bizarre facial expressions) than old-styled policing.

Dixon of Dock Green it ain't.

If that wasn't scary enough the city streets are teeming with bizarre 'engineers', mad as spanners mutant killers who can grow bio-morphic weapons (and huge cocks) when attacked.

Such an unusual enemy needs a special kind of police officer (clad in tiny skirts, knee high boots and suspenders in some cases) to battle them, specially trained in the art of butchering big burley beast things.

The best of the bunch is the doll like Ruka (the yumsome Shiina from Takashi Miike’s Audition), sexy as hell (in a kinda mad bird way) with a dark, tragic past, a penchant for self harm and a love of sword fighting.

Plus she looks great in a kimono.

The perfect girl if I'm honest.

Meow.


Being so successful at her job has made Ruka quite a few enemies, the most dangerous of which is the notorious Key Man ( Itao from The Great Yokai War and Death Note: The Last Name), the loopy scientist actually responsible for the creation of the engineers in the first place (accidentally I must add, you know how it is with these science types) who is intent on infecting the general population (well, ponytailed schoolgirl hookers and pube haired Yakuza types mainly) by inserting a fleshy 'key' into their arms.

Which is nice and kinda make sense of his name too.

As the Key Man’s reign of terror continues unabated, Ruka’s investigation's lead her to realize that her past and that of the Key Man are inexorably linked by a distant tragedy.

Oh, and lots of yucky bodily fluids obviously.

Your mum, sister and gran earlier today.


What can you say about TGP that hasn't been said a million times before (and in Japanese, natch)?

FX God Yoshihiro (Machine Girl, Meatball Machine) Nishimura certainly delivers the icky sticky goods when it comes to sick and twisted fun, whether your tastes lie with giant machine gun penises, living femi-chairs that rain gallons of piss over rapt audiences, schoolgirl mutants with acid spraying breasts or half (sexy) laydee/half crocodile women there's something for the whole family here.

But luckily for us, Nishimura manages to hold the whole thing together with some semblance of a plot.

And a very entertaining one to boot.

So wrong, yet strangely so very, very right.


Bit best of all are the random infoblips squeezed in between the heartbreaking storyline and copius nude scenes; fast, furious and funny as fuck fake adverts ranging from right wing police propaganda to ads for designer self harm knives and the best sword for committing hara kari.

Try to imagine, if you will, a well made Robocop or a wavy Davy Cronenberg film with a budget of twenty quid and a sense of humour to match and you're halfway there.

And at the centre of it all is the utterly yummylicious Eihi Shiina, all long legs, waif-like looks and carrying a big sword, spouting stilted videogame dialogue whilst fighting a quadraplegic bondage monster in a gimp mask.

What's not to love?


july stiffs.

Another month, another member of the Are You Being Served cast dead and no doubt another round of death threats from Mr. 'Evil Dead' for mentioning it.

Sad bastard.

Yup, the gorgeously bewigged and pussytastic Mrs. Slocombe herself, Mollie Sugden died last month as did the wallet stealing, pug nosed star of Argento's Cat O' Nine Tails Karl Malden.

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Wendy Richard and Mollie Sudgen:
Fuck you and your death threats!

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Malden: caller.


Behind the camera we lost the creator of Bless This House, Love Thy Neighbour and Mind Your Language (amongst other stuff), comedy writing God Vince Powell, animator and inspiration for Takashi Murakami's Superflat art movement, Yoshinori (Galaxy Express 999) Kanada and John Gerald Christopher Ryan, British animator and cartoonist, best known for creating Captain Pugwash.

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"You killed mah son!"

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(drawing) boards of Kanada.

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Pugwash.



We also said goodbye to lead singer with the Dolly Dots, Maria Petronella 'Ria' Brieffies, big underpanted Doctor Who guest star Harry Towb and, most sadly, the 'sweater/escalator' zombie from Romero's Dawn of The Dead Clayton Hill.

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Ria: gone kid.

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Towb: massive pants.

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More next month.

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