a nightmare on pigeon street.

Finally got a subtitled copy of this after having a Japanese language version sitting on my shelf for years.

Can't give too much away for fear of spoiling one of the best little chillers of recent years.

But let's not beat around the bush here, on the surface Noroi may have all the hallmarks (and warning signs) of a formulaic Ringu/Blair Witch/Last Broadcast rip-off; the found footage, mysterious video tapes et al but fear not, because director Koji Shiraishi (of Grotesque fame) has taken a pinch of each of these influences and fashioned them into a movie that is frankly far more effective (and creepy) than any one of them.

Enjoy.

Noroi: The Curse (2005).
Dir: Koji Shiraishi.
Cast: Jin Muraki, Rio Kanno, Maria Takagi, Marika Matsumoto, Tomomi Eguchi, Hiroshi Aramata, Tomono Kuga and Satoru Jitsunashi.

"I want the truth. No matter how terrifying, I want the truth."

Well known celebrity paranormal investigator, the cheerfully chubby, cake shop loving Masafumi Kobayashi (Nightmare Detective's Muraki) host a weekly show called "Wahey it's a ghost!" on Tokyo's top teevee channel garnering sky high ratings every week.

Just imagine a slightly less ginger Yvette Fielding with bigger (and better) tits, a bowl haircut and less bullshit.

He has a loyal following, a lovely wife and a fine line in waterproof jackets but all this will be put to the test (especially the jackets) as he and his loyal cameraman Jeff start an investigation into a mysterious phenomenon known simply as 'Noroi'.

Or as we English speakers would say 'The Curse'.

You see, not long after completing the project, Kobayashi's house burns to the ground killing his wife and our intrepid reporter disappears off the face of the earth.

All that remains are the tapes he made during the course of the investigation and, as the voiceover informs us, we are about to see them for the first time.

"Welcome to fright night!" as Craig Charles would say just before he ripped your clothes off and attempted to stick it in you.

Allegedly.

Yvette Fielding: Crap tits.

Anyway I digress so let's head back, way back to the halcyon days of November 2002, when Kobayashi was busy interviewing a fairly hot single mum and her small daughter about the spooky goings on next door.

It seems that the pair have been hearing what sounds like scary crying babies coming from the house next door.

Popping round for a quick nosey around Kobayashi is greeted by the house's occupants, a raggedy haired, mental woman (the usually foxy Kuga from Invisible Waves) shouting utter bollocks at anyone who'll listen and a small pig nosed boy named Trevor who spends his days staring out of the window into next doors kitchen.

Sounds a wee bit like my neighbours.

Before getting chased away with a broom, Kobayashi's camera guy manages to pick up a strange noise on tape and our hero excitedly takes it to be analysed by a clever science of sound man.

After much technical jiggery and a wee bit of scientific pokery the sound guy manages to identify the noises coming from the house.

It turns out to be the sound of five babies crying in unison.

Spooky.

Heading back to follow up this disturbing development, Kobayashi finds that the gruesome twosome have moved out and have appeared to have taken the noises with them.

Unfortunately for the local bin men they've left all their rubbish - and a pile of dead pigeons behind in the garden.

Rifling thru' the aforementioned trash (and obviously avoiding the huge piles of bird shit), Kobayashi discovers that the batty bird is one Junko Ishii and files away this information in case it proves useful later.

You think?

On a sadder note he also discovers that the nice next-door neighbour and her little poppet of a daughter ended up killed (to death) in a car crash less than a week after five days after Kobayashi's visit.

Hmmm, could this be related?

Kobayashi spots a giant marzipan house.

We've no time to ask as the documentary jumps back to show clips from an episode of  Kobayashi's show that focused on children with ESP.

Which is a much more entertaining prospect than Junior Masterchef if I'm honest.

Out of the ten kids being tested, it's pigtailed princess Kana Yano (Kanno, the wee girl from Dark Water) who comes out on top, scoring the highest marks on the first four shape-drawing tests, on the fifth however instead of drawing a carrot she sketches what looks like a gimp mask with huge black eyesockets and a puckered anus for a mouth.

And if that wasn't weird enough (which to my mind it is), when she's requested to materialise some water into a sealed bottle - only using the power of the mind obviously - Kana manages this task without even breaking a sweat.

And conjures up some newborn baby hair in the jar at no extra cost.

"This is what I shite-ed in Ms!"

The next clip is from an earlier episode concentrating on celebrity ghost sightings, where a geeky ghost hunting duo (a kind of Japanese equivalent of Ant and Dec) and teevee/anime actress Marika Matsumoto are heading to Tokyo's most haunted shrine in the hope of seeing a spirit.

Or at the very least a chance of touching up Matsumoto behind the bins.

Matsumoto, all giggles, fluffy collars and big socks, confesses to being a bit of a psychic herself and having seen literally hundreds of ghosts before and being no stranger to having the willies put up her jumped at the chance to take part.

Within minutes of arriving at the shrine things take a turn for the worst as Matsumoto gets spooked by an eerie voice before falling to the ground and wriggling about like your nan having a stroke.

Matsumoto: Insert cock here.

Later at an after show party for the cast and crew, Kobayashi interviews Matsumoto about the evenings events but she has absolutely no recollection of the incident save for hearing a man's voice whispering the word Kagutaba to her.

Luckily Kobayashi has invited the famous tinfoil-clad Autistic psychic and self proclaimed protector of humanity from ecto-plasmic worms Mitsuo Hori (Jitsunashi from Ju-on: The Grudge 2) to come and explain everything.

This doesn't really go to plan tho' as Hori runs on stage and attempts to strangle Matsumoto (whilst shouting shouting "Watch out for the pigeons!") as opposed to helping her.

An easy mistake to make I'm sure you'll agree.

Kobayashi, being a clever bloke - or having read the script - makes the bird based connection between the dead pigeons and Hori's warning and decides to dig a little deeper, going back to check out the shrine tapes.

Lo and behold on further viewing keen eyed Kobayashi spots a ghostly figure standing in the distant behind Matsumoto, a figure whose face bears a striking resemblance to the picture drawn by Kana the psychic girl.

Heading out to see her Kobayashi is shocked to find that the poor lamb has gone missing.

And that the last person to see her was behatted mentalist Mitsuo Hori.

"You raff.....YOU RUSE!"

With a more and more shot to fuck Matsumoto in tow, Kobayashi rushes to Hori's apartment in the hope of garnering any information on the small girls whereabouts and to see if the psychic has any knowledge of the mysterious Kagutaba.

And from his reaction to being asked what it means I reckon he does, seeing as he literally poohs himself and hides in a giant toilet roll tube before falling into a trace and sketching a map showing Kana's location.

Kobayashi has no choice but to follow Hori's map if he's to have any chance of finding the missing girl and discovering the connection between the mysterious Kagutaba and the frankly pant filling events occurring around him.

"Hand in mah mooth!"

But he's gonna haveta get a move on, seeing as everyone and anyone, no matter how tenuously linked to the investigation is either disappearing without a trace or dying in a variety of bizarre ways.

Will Kobayashi discover the truth before he himself becomes a victim of the curse?

Frankly no, seeing as the film established that fact in it's opening minutes.

But don't let that put you off.

Playing out like a Japanese Ghostwatch with it's mix of fictitious characters and 'celebrity' cameos - everyone from anime voice-over queen Marika Matsumo to former AV girl and star of the classic Illegal Tits Violation 15, Maria Takagi via J-Pop gods Gokyu - Noroi doesn't try to be big, clever or re-invent the mockumentary genre, it's whole reason for being is just to deliver some scares.

Which it indeed does in bucket loads.

Jin Muraki is an instantly likeable lead and Satoru Jitsunash takes the tic-ridden   Mitsuo Hori, a role that could have been (over) played for laughs and makes him incredibly sympathetic.

With well over twenty five speaking characters and a running time of over two hours, Noroi has an unusually leisurely pace that builds the tension little by little, slowly unravelling the meaning of Kagutaba in such a way that you become totally (and unexpectedly) drawn into mystery, not realising how far it's burrowed under your skin before it's too late.

"Do you require any scissors sharpening?"

Noroi is quite simply put a good old fashioned scary film, perfectly made with just one thought in mind; to make the viewer fill their trousers.

And you can't ask for more from a horror movie can you?

monsta!

A wee bit of culture for you now, Japanese artist Tatsuya Morino's unique spin on some of the great monsters of literature.

Enjoy!

The War of the Worlds - H.G. Wells, 1898

Moby Dick - Herman Melville, 1851

The Murders in the Rue Morgue - Edgar Allan Poe, 1841

Dracula - Bram Stoker, 1897

Morlock (from The Time Machine) - H.G. Wells, 1895

The Hound of the Baskervilles - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1901

The Fly - George Langelaan, 1957

Frankenstein - Mary Shelley, 1818

 More of Morino's macabre masterpieces can be found here.

wtf?

It might be because it's early and I'm poorly but I really don't have any idea what the fucks going on in this pic.

I do like it tho'.

glad to be geisha.

Been catching up on a big pile of stuff in the corner (films, laundry, work, kids etc.) and went for this first cos it had a pretty laydee on the cover.

At least I'm honest.

And don't worry, seeing as it's fairly new(ish) i'll not give too much away to the six of you who haven't seen it yet.

Robo-Geisha (2009)
Dir: Noboru Iguchi
Cast: Aya Kiguchi, Hitomi Hasebe, Yoshihiro Nishimura, Takumi Saito and Taro Shikagi.

"I knew it would rotate!
Shit! Help me!"

After saving an important politician (FX whiz Nishimura in a neat cameo) from the clutches of an evil cybernetic Geisha assassin and her deadly breasted, sword wielding minions, the mysterious saviour of Japan, Robo-Geisha begins to tell (in true Marvel Comics style) the grateful and very sweaty would-be victim her secret origin story....

Time to fetch the tissues.

Welcome to the (not so) wonderful life of the cute as a button and pigtailed Yoshie Kasuga (former gravure idol and tarento turned actress Kiguchi), destined to live forever in the shadow of her bullying (and fairly harsh) older sister, the top geisha Kikue (Battle Royale II and Ultraman Max's Hasebe).

After an accident involving peppered dough balls, hot soup, a cucumber in the mooth and Kikue administering a severe kicking to her sister, poor Yoshie angrily tears a phonebook in half, catching the attention of super mulleted pretty boy Hikaru Kageno (fish lipped Saito from Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl), spoiled son of the vaguely camp and bequiffed multi-millionaire steel tycoon Mr. Kenzan Kageno (Japan's very own Shakin' Stevens, Shigaki) who invites them both to dinner.

"Blades in mah face!"

As the pair of them both think he's a sexy man (if a little wet) they excitedly accept his invitation and make their way to his home, a bizarre hybrid of temple, factory and James Bond villain lair by way of the Eurovision Song Contest set circa 1987.

I'd move in there like a shot.

Even if I had to have a daily pleasuring from Hikaru and his dad.

Your mum at work yesterday.

Little do the sisters suspect that behind the almost ladyboy smile and kissy lipslurks the heart of a very bad man because Hikaru (and his dandy dad) are planning to build an army of deadly robo-geisha’s (to work alongside their deadly breasted elite Tengu assassins) in an attempt to seize control of Japan...

...with Yoshie and Kikue the latest recruits.

Soon the sisterly slaggings and slaps become more and more dangerous as the pair are pitted against each other (in full geisha make-up and big pink pants) in a fight to the death.

Meow. Thrice.

Although small in stature Yoshie is big in battle skills and, after a wee bit of a kicking easily defeats her sister, causing one of those nasty not talking phases between the pair.

Which is quite possibly the least of their worries seeing as Hikaru is hoping to use their new found sibling hatred to aid his plan to transform them into the most efficient killing machines ever created.

"Put it in me!"

Augmenting their (silky smooth) bodies with everything from armpit swords, breast mounted machine guns and napalm hair, Yoshie and Kikue soon become the number one and number two assassins in Hikaru's organisation but when Yoshie is ordered to assassinate the families of those Hikaru has kidnapped and transformed into his cybernetic army our maiden of metal has a crisis of conscience.

"You raff....you RUSE!"

Betrayed and left for dead, Yoshie is rebuilt by the very same concerned relatives she was programmed to destroy our heroine decides to make a stand for all that's good and decent in the world, even if it costs her the sister she secretly still loves....

From the smoking quill of Noboro Iguchi, the man behind Machine Girl, Sukeban Boy and the upcoming Mutant Girls Squad comes yet another panties and prosthetics filled tale of love, family honour, city stomping robots and ludicrously large guns.

Well you know what they say, if it ain't broke dinnae fix it.

To take it too seriously (as many folk seem to have) is to miss the point, as Robo-Geisha is nothing more than a cheap and cheerful comic book of a movie just to be enjoyed on the most basic of levels not over analysed and chin stroked.

Folk should realise this as soon as swords appear out of the (shapely) arses of the Tengu assassins.

I mean, it's not deep and it doesn't want to be clever, it just wants to be fun, fun, fun.

Iguchi directs like a child raiding a chocolate box, you never know what you're going to get next.

Mouth mounted buzzsaws?, arse-blades?, armpit swords?, acidic breast milk? sister on sister bickering? It's all here in one dizzily silly and childish mix topped off by acting so over the top it's a wonder none of the actors got nosebleeds, pre-Playstation effects and a score that purposely rips off everything from Godzilla to Live and Let Die.

Oh, and numerous shots of big pants and a secret base that turns into a dancing robot intent on blowing up Mount Fuji with a big gold bomb.

Need I say more?

classic moments in comicdon feat. cock (part one).

Enjoy!

maiden japan.

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jailhouse shock.

Between birthdays, getting set for Crimbo and a houseful of vomiting children I've had precious little time to watch anything of late meaning there's a huge teetering pile of dodgy dvd's just waiting to crush any unsuspecting wean that bumps into them.

So I've decided to ease myself slowly and carefully back into cinematic hell (I'm not well enough to view my new Jess Franco 8 disc box set in one sitting) and what better way to start than with this sweet little story about the ups and downs of life in a women's prison.

Imagine Porridge but with big 70's bushes and a guest appearance by the monkey faced Scandinavian sex kitten, Brite Tove.

Nu ji zhong ying (AKA Bamboo House of Dolls. 1973)
Dir: Chih-Hung Kuei.
Cast: Lo Lieh, Brite Tove, Wang Hsia, Li Hai-shu, Terry Liu, Niki Wayne and Roska Rozen.

It's sometime during the long hot summer of 1942 (but by the state of the lead actresses hair and make up it's more like 1972) and the world is at war, somewhere in Asia (my geography is very rough - a bit like your mum) a crack squad of hardened Japanese soldiers are in the midst of a battle to the death against a gaggle of sandal wearing, knee revealing Chinese resistance fighters in a red cross hospital.

Well as Davey Stott said, there's nothing like starting with a little explosion.

Officially looking for a downed American pilot but obviously out for revenge against the creepy communists for daring to rip off Ultraman with the abysmal Shaw Brothers travesty Inframan, our Japanese chums begin their copyright controlling assault by first shooting the lovely Hong Yulan's husband in the arse before bayoneting all the injured and old folk, finally standing over a pile of corpses lustfully gazing at all the sweating, shot to fuck Chinese ladies left cowering in a medical cabinet.

Whilst all this butchery is going on, Mr. Yulan, with his dying, fish smelling breath has managed to pass a secret message to his wife.

The whereabouts of his secret schoolboy porn cache however he takes to the grave.

Whilst carrying off the screaming Chinese ladies the Japanese troops hear a faint crying noise from behind a big beefy curtain, and on parting the beef curtains are amazed to discover a handful of huge breasted European nurses in torn uniforms all huddled together in the dirt.

The quick glimpse of big pants is too much for the token Bald of head but magnificently moustached Japanese captain, who orders his men to take this group of second rate Europorn starlets to the local prison camp too.

The weekly Belsen knobbly knees contest was
always a hit with the under 12's.

On arriving at the prison (which bares a scary resemblance to Maplin's holiday camp from top Brit shit-com Hi-De-Hi!) the women are called to attention by the evil camp commander Inoue (Hsia, Mr. Wang from A Better Tomorrow), it appears he has something special to show then to get them all into the holiday mood.

What a thoughtful man.

He orders his men go and fetch a poor unfortunate prisoner he keeps in a corrugate metal shack know as 'the box', you see it appears that this woman was caught trying to sneak copies of Heat Magazine (or something) into the camp and, being an Take A Break reader the warden wants to make an example of her.

He orders his men to string her up by the wrists and (slowly) remove her dress in preparation for he punishment.

Enter (yes please) the foxy, tight uniformed and knee-high booted Mako (slinkily smoothed thighed Liu, the star of Concubine and The Girl With Long Hair - worth a look for the cinematography alone), the whip wielding lesbian warden who angrily orders one of the other prisoners to beat the gossip rag reader to death.

At this point I had to pause the movie to check the heating as it appeared to be getting uncomfortably hot in my house.

Being a weak girlie, the other prisoner refuses so Mako (whilst licking her full, red lips) gives her a good beating until she breaks down in tears and decides to go along with the whip-based fun, which is all well and good till the unfortunate girl dies.

Oops.

Overcome with grief (either that or the actress is having a stroke) the whipper (is that even a word?) starts crying and with the snot bubbles running down her face, runs off before throwing herself onto the electric fence, putting a damper on the whole affair.

There's always one who takes the joke too far.

After witnessing this vile scene the rest of the ladies (and most probably the crew) are increasingly desperate to escape from this living hell, except for the odd few who fancy a wee bit of dirty girl on girl action obviously.

"And that's Numberwang!"

Forced to work in the blistering sun sorting out stones into big plastic buckets whilst wearing shite covered mini-dresses and skimpy pants, it's not long before our cute captives begin plotting an escape but, being girls any chat relating to this soon degenerates into inane talk about make-up and idle gossiping as to who's going to get voted out of The X Factor.

But the girls' frustration soon comes to a head when during lunch they discover that the canteen is all out of those Skinny Latte things that they drink in Sex and The City turning a silly girlie strop into a full-blown, food based brawl.

Luckily for the cleaners commandant Inoue has just the thing to calm the prisoners tempers.

You see a group of Japanese soldiers are soon to arrive at the camp for some well deserved rest and recreation and it'll be the prisoners job to look after their every need during their stay.

Cue twenty minutes of family friendly rape based hilarity as one Japanese soldier, waving his his samurai sword around like a mentalist chases a poor unsuspecting barefooted girl around a (hellishly patterned) carpet covered in broken glass whilst another of the prisoners (Wayne in her only film role, pity) is so up for a bit of man loving she ends up being pleasured by a whole gaggle of greasy, tomb-toothed extras after her libido scares her original suitor away.

Just in case you were under the misapprehension that this was, in some way making light of sexual violence, one unfortunate lady just lies there, stiff as a board whilst wee Jimmy Japman grunts like an asthmatic pig and wiggles his tanned, peachy arse.

And my word what a great arse it is.

Whilst this saucily speeded up shagfest is taking place, blonde bombshell Mary (Rozen) is hand picked by Mako to be her special love slave.

Mary however doesn't seem that pleased and needs to be held down as Mako, wearing nothing but a pair of shiny boots and a smile (oh, and a huge black leather strap-on) slinks towards her.

Cue much groaning and moaning and a fairly arty silhouette sex scene all played out to a soft core jazz score.

Nice.

Anyway, now the sex is out of the way the producers reckon we can get back to the plot such as it is.

Yulan (remember her? - no me neither) has befriended the feisty Jennifer (top billed Tove from such classics as Danish Pillow Talk, Sexy Girls of Denmark, Bedside Headmaster and Swedish Fly Girls amongst others - ask your dad) as well as the whorish Elizabeth, the dirty Mary, ethnic Brenda and a token (yet instantly forgettable) blind bird whose name escapes me.

Being the named cast, our chained chicks battle against bitchy cat-fighting, electric nipple torture and gratuitously soapy shower scenes in order to plan an escape route to freedom.

Or at least to the nearest Butlins.

"Where's the soap?" "It does, doesn't it?"

As luck would have it, one night the camps (big) cook Ben corners Yulan and admits to being a Chinese spy who has actually infiltrated the prison in the hopes of busting her out.

Why? you may ask.

It seems that the secret message her hubbie passed onto her at the films beginning was the location of a load of gold he'd half inched from the Japanese earlier that week and the resistance wants to break her out in order to get access to the bootie so they can all fuck off to Majorca or something.

So, throwing caution (and their dignity) to the wind the ladies decide to mount an escape attempt that very night.

Seducing the guard with promises of sex and chocolate they bludgeon the poor sod to death whilst Big Cook Ben breaks into the power generator room and using only a wooden spoon cuts the wires powering the lights and electric fence enabling them to run off into the night.

"Gun in mah mooth".

Whilst all this escaping is going on, Ben is grabbed by the guards (which is painful believe you me) enabling us to marvel at his close quarter bitch-slapping skills for a few minutes before he too mounts the fence and disappears into the night.

But as he approaches the girls a load of Japanese soldiers jump out of the bushes and surround them.

Ben bravely tries to help the girls but is cruelly gunned down, collapsing in a pool of blood mixed with baking soda and cherries.

Jennifer runs to his aid but it's too late.

As Ben lays there dying he gazes wistfully at her heaving cleavage and whispers that there's another Chinese spy in the camp who's willing to help them but the ladies must be on their guard as he's sure that one of their number is a filthy spy.

Returning to the camp Jennifer (very quickly, tho' to be honest we are halfway thru' the film) discovers that the camp’s ultra cool, aviator shaded, Elvis quiffed second-in-command, Cui Guodong (Hong Kong's answer to Timothy Dalton, Lieh - a man so sexy he could even persuade Nick Griffin to take it up the shitter) is the other spy.

It's not too surprising them when juicy Jennifer and gorgeous Guodong start indulging in a few candle lit sexy scenes under the pretence of planning another escape.

But time is, as they say, running out as the unknown collaborator is slowly but surely bumping off various prisoners in order of attractiveness.

Jennifer should be safe for a while then.

"Careful with Ms. Mako's love egg you little tinker!"

Next day it's business as usual; another escape followed by another recapture and finishing with a wee bit of torture (like a weekend in the West Midlands if I'm honest).

Only this time it's a bit more serious than a quick whipping by a big uniformed dyke as all six girls: Mary the lesbian love slave, Jennifer the chimp, Elizabeth (the nymphette), Yulan, Brenda and the blind one are spread eagled and staked to the ground in the boiling hot sun.

And just to add to their discomforted the other prisoners can see up their skirts.

How evil is that?

As they lie there baking in the sun thoughts turn to who the traitor could be and it's not long before everyone has decided it must be Mary due to her love of ladies (and huge leather strap-ons obviously).

Frankly I find this ludicrous, I mean if a love of anal or vaginal violation by means of a bit of dead cow were cause for suspicion we'd all be locked up.

Especially your dad.

So promising to be good and never to try and escape again our heroines are set free and sent back to work, stopping only occasionally to slap Mary around a bit.

But the commandant has had enough of these fiery fillies and is making plans to off them one by one.

Will they survive till the Chinese resistance arrive to save them?

Griffin: loves the cock.

Described as both cruel and demeaning to women (tho' not to the viewers intelligence surprisingly) the late, almost great Chih-Hung Kuei's (of Corpse Mania, Coward Bastard and Enter the Seven Virgins fave) sexploitation classic Bamboo House of Dolls is way too camp and trashy an experience to be offensive to anyone but the most soulless, big booted feminists and their joyless pals.

Oh and possibly your Granddad if he fought in Asia during World War 2, tho' even he might change his mind when the girl on girl action starts.

As an excuse for ninety minutes of in (as opposed to over) your face sex and comic book violence Bamboo House of Dolls certainly doesn't disappoint and what it loses in historical accuracy (huge breasted, curvy Eurostars sporting arse revealing flimsy, blue t-shirts pretending to be starving prisoners and Alvin Stardust-alike spies in tight trousers plus a fantastic Wah Wah jazz score) it more than makes up for with it's speeded up comedy shagging, a uniformed lesbian dominatrix and blood splattered scenes of machine gun action.

And that's just in the first twenty five minutes.

And that feeling of teen boy fantasy gone mad runs throughout the whole movie, packed as it is with shootouts, Kung Fu kicking, pantie wearing girls fighting Japanese soldiers, copious amounts of breasts and overgrown bush and even a slow motion car stunt.

Really, what's there not to love?

"I can't find the car keys!"

The most surprising thing about it tho' is how good the cast are. Simian saucebox Brite Tove is actually not too bad as the strong heroine whilst sexyy action god Lo Lieh seems to be having a ball as the heroic stud muffin of the piece, imagine Big Roger Moore with high hair, sprayed on trousers and a pair of market stall shades and you're halfway there.

Trust me, you need this.

sports for all.

I've never been the sportiest of folk so I must admit I do love a chance to take the piss out of misguided attempts to make the idea of big muscled men kicking balls about and showering together cool......

Way back in 1992 there was a vaguely amusing Nike commercial featuring Godzilla and a giant-sized Sir Charles Barkley (or was it a normal sized Barkley, a man in a rubber suit and a miniature cityscape?) playing basketball in the streets of Tokyo.

As funny as it was (slightly at best) God only knows why Dark Horse decided to stretch it out to 48 arse numbing pages in this full colour one off.

Tho' as a plus point it did feature Godzilla wearing a pair of trainers 'slam dunking' (as those pesky Americans say) a ball.

Marvel obviously had to go one better.

Nuff said?

green fingers.

Just received this thru' the post alongside a newly subbed, widescreen version of L'Isola Delgi Uomini Pesce (cheers dad) and, being intrigued by the colourful cover design and it's subtle use of Photoshop (plus I'm desperately trying to improve my Japanese) I thought I'd give it a go.

Well, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Shokujuu Marunomi Acme (2008).
Dir: Ishikawa Hitoshi (as Ishikawa Kin).
Cast: Sanada Haruka, her big white pants, an industrial sized tub of KY jelly and a large slimy tentacled plant thing.

Smart and sensible shoed office girl Brenda (boss eyed and buck toothed AV starlet Haruka, whom you may recognize from the arthouse classic Multipronged) is heading home after a hard day photocopying important stuff, sorting the pens out and the like, looking forward to a nice salad and a large glass of Lambrusco.

kicking off her Mules and heading straight for the kitchen Brenda is surprised to find a large green slimy thing in her knife drawer. Bending down to examine it closer she fails to see the mass of other wriggly, giggly slimy things slowly slithering towards her.

Yikes!

Haruka (bless you): A damn good rooting.

Before she can even scream the tricky, sticky tentacles have wrapped themselves around her tiny waist and begun to show a rather unhealthy interest in her undies (and the contents therein).

Brenda vainly struggles against her green assailant but only manages to get even more and more slimy and (more upsetting for her) a huge ladder in her best tights.

Kicking and screaming as more and more of these pervy penile plant things begin to wrap themselves around her our hapless heroine becomes alarmingly aware that for what are effectively long skinny plant roots they're incredibly adept at removing clothes.

Are they just interested in the latest smart office fashion or is something more sinister afoot?

Managing to flip herself onto her back in order to kick the tentacles away (and tearing her by soaked and by now transparent blouse along the way) Brenda is horrified to see, hiding in the corner of the kitchen (next to the bin) the owner of the frisky tentacles.

A giant fluffy (and possibly foul) mouthed plant, dripping with sticky goo and lustfully licking its lips as it drags Brenda ever closer....

Haruka: "Leaf me alone!"

Being a plucky kinda gal, Brenda tries to pull free one last time, but the pull of the plant alongside the slimy floor/sticky arse interface causes all her clothes to fall away leaving Brenda stark bollock naked and slipping along the lino toward the beasts quivering maw.

Not one to give up without a struggle, Brenda fights and wiggles with furious abandon as it tries to pull her inside, eventually managing to make it as far as her apartment door (tho' by this point she's probably cursing having all the floors tiled rather than carpeted).

Just as it seems that Brenda is free of this hornily hosepipe-like horror the creature lets out a massive fart and drags her kicking, screaming (and squishing) into its mighty mouth.

Coming to inside what looks like a huge blood red bouncy castle and wearing nothing but an ample coating of slime and being prodded by all manner of long sticky things Brenda (understandibly) starts to panic, shouting loudly and desperate to make her way towards the creatures lips as even more gooey things appear and attempt to hold her back.

Will she escape?

Remarkably it seems like she will, seeing as the sounds of her screams appear to be causing the tentacles to shudder and panic, waving around like a sea of weird worms and losing their grip on poor Brenda.

Noticing this she turns and screams some more.

Which is (in hindsight) a wee bit of a mistake, seeing as it causes the tentacles to fire out at high speeds and bury themselves into every orifice available.

I'm sure this is accidental tho' and the poor things are just trying to hide.

Plus you can tell that they're scared because they appear to be crying milky tears from the single slitty eye on the ends of their tentacles.

At least I think it's tears, cos the picture is all pixelated at this point.

The cover in full (just in case you want to
order it for your Gran this Christmas).

At this point the movie takes a bizarre twist as Brenda stops trying to fight the tentacle intrusion and, gulp, begins to enjoy the experience.

I've asked a few female friends that have been in this situation to see if this would really happen or is merely for titillation purposes and they all seem to agree that the film is quite accurate on this count (tho' Brenda's choice of shoe doesn't really match her outfit so there you go).

Slowly, lustfully and very, very stickily the plant drags Brenda back towards it's dribbling pulsating mouth....

Will Brenda escape?

Does she really want to?

Will the couple end up married with 2.4 saplings?

or after 40 minutes or so of hot rubber tentacle on nude, glistening Japanese girl action will Brenda awake screaming inside the plant as it begins to digest her?

Clue: it's the latter.

A sex crazed, vagina faced plant yesterday.

Yup, it's another classic from Ishikawa Hitoshi, the genius writer/director behind the fantastic love triangle weepies Captured for Sex 1 and 2 as well as the high school hooker/possession/knockabout comedy hybrid The Big Slaughter Club (amongst other great family favourites) and just like those mentioned, this too is destined to be remembered as the top quality piece of cinematic greatness that it so obviously is.

As with the other chapters in Hitoshi's Shokujuu Acme series, this fifth episode analysises the cold hard truth in regards to the sexual politics of modern day Japan according to the theoretical frameworks of Tzvetan Todorov and Sigmund Freud, exploring aspects of both the Uncanny and the Fantastic.

The traditional and playful view of female sexuality (as symbolized by the ever probing tentacles, an image that can be dated as far back as 1820, with Hokusai's erotic masterpiece The Dream of The Fisherman's Wife and based in part on the animism aspects of the Shinto religion) is frighteningly inverted through the prism of Barthesian semiotics, as if the modern Japanese Alpha male (in this case not just director Hotoshi, but the complacent young men the series is so obviously aimed at), terrified by the openness of old world Japanese female sexuality have taken it on themselves to reclaim (as it were) the males rightful place of sexual power (in their eyes), replacing the thrusting sword with the (up until now) soft tentacles so loved by artists of the Edo Period.

A frightening upsurge in violent sexism based on 17th century erotic art?

Only in Japan.

Although I could be reading way too much into this and Ishikawa Hitoshi has actually just made a common or garden tentacle porn movie aimed at the undersexed teenage masturbator market.

You decide.