when cosplay goes bad part 24.

It's the Doctor Who special!

Unfortunately pictures of me in my Tenth Doctor outfit are currently unavailable.

As are the photo's of me as a 19 year old dressed as Sylvester McCoy.

april stiffs (and beyond).

The Arena's equivalent of Haley Joel Osment is back in a kinda extended form seeing as I missed a few months of celeb related death notices due to lack of internet/interest, so here goes the quick (and the dead) round-up...

February saw the deaths of Norwegian acting legend Knut (Reisen til Julestjernen) Risan, Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! star Tura Satana, Young Frankenstein, Malcolm in the Middle, The Producers and The Little Mermaid's Kenneth Mars, inventor of the Black and Decker Workmate Ron Hickman, Omega Man producer
Walter Seltzer as well as Brigadier Sir Alistair Gordon Lethbridge Stewart himself, Nicholas Courtney.

And in March whilst I was still unpacking my Omnibot army Mr. Reaper was paying unexpected visits to James L. Elliot; the man who found the rings around Uranus, British reggae singer and top 'rankin' deejay Smiley Culture, the Celestial Toymaker himself Michael Gough, Knut the German polar bear, the Goddess that was Elizabeth Taylor, Howl's Moving Castle author Diana Wynne Jones, Strangers on a Train's Farley Granger and lastly  Dynamite Brothers star and top HK producer Alan Tang.
 
Phew.

Which brings us back to back in April where (when?) we lost (I say we but you know what I mean before you write in and try to pin these deaths on me) Survival of The Dead's Wayne Robson, Terror of The Vervoids Janet the stewardess herself, Yolande Palfrey as well as Indian director, producer and Telanganan dialected villain Rami Reddy.

And that's not all, we also lost Hogan's Heroes Corporal Karl Langenscheidt, Jon Cedar and Grace Bros. department stores randy womaniser Mr. Lucas AKA Trevor Bannister as well as Ultraman Mebius and The Ultraman Brothers actor Minoru Tanaka and cult movie favourite William Campbell.

But most upsetting of all must be the passing of Sarah Jane Smith herself, the wonderful Elisabeth Claira Heath-Sladen.

No words needed, just happy memories of The Doctor's best Friend.

the real mccoy.

Been busy promoting the Night is Day tie-in comic at Collectormania this weekend alongside whoring my art to various guests.

Luckily I wasn't told "Fuck off it's shit".

For once.

people you fancy but shouldn't (part 18).

Beth Willis, executive producer of Doctor Who and sexiest person to work behind the scenes on the show since Eric Saward and his Magneto hair.

I've gone all fanboy.

Sorry.

bonnie.

Perusing my local charity shop again today and I came across (quite literally) this for one measly quid.

Bargain!

As an aside, who knew Bonnie Langford had such a great arse?

when cosplay goes bad (part 5).

I don't have the words.

eggs and baker.

The Mutations (AKA Doctor of Evil, The Freakmaker, The Mutation. 1974).
Dir: Jack Cardiff.
Donald Pleasence, Tom Baker, Brad Harris, Julie Ege, Michael Dunn, Scott Antony, Jill Haworth, Olga Anthony, Esther Blackmon, Hugh Bailey, Felix Duarte and Willie Ingram the pop eyed man.

Professor Nick Nolter (Pleasence) is just your average everyday science lecturer at some nameless English polytechnic splitting his time between teaching over forties who want to get better qualifications to get back into work (well from the look of the cast this seems to be the case) and conducting frankly bonkers experiments in an attempt to create a human/plant hybrid.

As you do.

But the professor needs a fresh supply of people to work on, so to this end he employs the fucked of face, scraggy haired Mr. Lynch ( Baker), a local bad man who just happens to co-own the local carnival. Lynch happily obtains young men and women for Nolter's mad experiments on the understanding that one day the professor will fix his face for him.

Anyway, back at the Restart classes, three trendy 'young' students; blonde buxom Hedi ( Ege), luscious Lauren (the bobble headed beauty Haworth star of Tower of Evil) and Tony (Antony, from Ken Russell's Savage Messiah) decide to have a word with visiting scholar and token American hunk Dr. Brian Redford (B movie lunk Harris from The Mad Butcher amongst other classics) regarding rumours they've heard about Nolter’s research.

Being a nosy bugger Redford agrees to look into it.

"Shite in mah....oh, someone already has".

Meanwhile back at the carnival, suspicions are raised at the amount of new freaks suddenly appearing on show. Lynch's partner, a pre-Simpsons Mr. Burns (Dunn) tries to calm his regular workers by saying he put an ad in the paper.

Could he be lying?

All this talk of bearded ladies and tiny men in hats is beginning to annoy Lynch tho', and when his co-workers bake him a cake it sends him into a violent (and dribbly) rage that can only be sated by a visit to a dirty, baby doll night dressed whore.


Talking a break from their investigations, our tricky trio reckon an evening at the fair taking the piss out of those less fortunate than themselves is in order and head straight for the tent of freaks.

And this, dear reader, is the reason we're watching; there's an old lady with a hairy face (looking a wee bit like a sexier Bill Oddie), a lady with really bad excema dubbed The Lizard Woman (Blackmon), a boy with no bones in his legs (no, really) non-sensationally named Frog Boy (Duarte), the bendy backed Human Pretzel (Bailey), a scarily sexy Monkey Woman and everyone's favourite, the fantastic Popeyed Jeff (Ingram) a man who can make his eyeballs pop out from their sockets.

"Eye son".

Now part of me wants to say that exploiting those born differently to what we call 'the norm' for cheap entertainment is distasteful and somewhat sickening in this more aware climate.

But fuck that, this guy can make his eyeballs buldge out of his skull! How cool is that?

Anyway, as you can probably guess Nolter's experiments get more and more freaky climaxing with poor Tony getting turned into a hideous venus flytrap/human/vagina hybrid with a taste for tramps and blondes (and trampy blondes) whilst the Professor makes a speech arguing the case for the creation of a race of super-humans and poor old Lynch is hunted down by a gang of dwarves using attack dogs.

Donald's cum face.

There's no denying that The Mutations is a bona fide classic of British exploitation cinema, what should be a crass and tasteless excuse to show differently-abled folk for cheap enjoyment is surprisingly entertaining and almost apologetic when it comes to it's subject matter.

It's mad mix of gore, girls and gro-bag induced terrors give the film a totally schizophrenic feel; the plight and humanity in the storyline regarding the (real life) freak show workers at odds with the main plot about man eating plants and a saliva slopping man with a potato stuck to his face.

The Mutantions is utterly brilliant and totally crap in equal measures.

Up the casino.

Scarily The Mutations was directed by an honest to goodness Oscar winner, Jack Cardiff (who won best cinematographer for 1948 movie Black Narcissus), showing that he had either a secret love of shlock horror or the onset of Alzheimer's - it's your choice, and it's this unsure style, coupled with his almost erotic obsession with time-lapse footage of plants growing, topless dolly birds and the real life freak show performance at the movies half way point that makes this the cinematic equivalent of drunkenly shagging your best mates mum.

It might be great at the time but with hindsight you end up feeling coyisly guilty and even a wee bit itchy from enjoying it so much.


Worth watching, but only if you're alone.

Or just very lonely.

smith's crisp.

Big chinned, floppy haired unknown Matt Smith has been named as the actor who will be clawing the key to the TARDIS from David Tennant's still warm hands next year to cries of "Who the fuck is he?" from a concerned viewing public.

Noel Fielding IS The Doctor!
Who'd have thunk it?

Smith, 14, has already built up an impressive CV on stage, on his paper round and the small screen (well that really depends on the size of your telly doesn't it?) including BBC Two's critically acclaimed yet mostly unwatched political drama Party Animals in which he played a parliamentary researcher who wore glasses similar to Tennant's in Doctor Who, the hit comedy The Mighty Boosh and opposite the fish-lipped, Jew baiting ex Doctor Who star Billie Hartnell in the 2006 adaptation of Philip Pullman's The Ruby and the Wax, which starred Billie as Sammy Hagar.

Billie: One day he will come back.

He later reprised his role as Jim's tailor - the dog bodied roadie sidekick to Sir Hank Marvin - in The Shadow's Oop North (2007).

The actor's stage work has included stints selling ice cream at London's Royal Court and in the bar at the National Theatre.

Smith: (Time) lordy lordy!

Born to a family of Romanian travelling minstrels in 1998, Smith originally planned to be either a train driver, astronaut, superhero or a famous footballer, playing for the Leicester City and Nottingham Forest youth academies, a serious injury sustained whilst saving a young mother from a rampaging bull in Bloxwich town centre scuppered his sporting dreams and, after seeing Timmy Mallett in panto as Buttons decided to give 'this acting lark' a shot.

In an exclusive shot from the new series,
Smith is seen battling the dreaded Sontarans.

His work cleaning out the ashtrays at the National Youth Theatre got him both an agent and his first professional job before graduation, appearing in the violently titled Fresh Kills at the Royal Food Court, Ipswich in 2004, before joining the cast of On the Shore of the Wide World for a drink in the theatre bar.

It was here that he demonstrated his unique ability to balance 12 beer mats on his chin, a skill which won him the role of Torchwood in Lennie Bennett's The History Boys.

His West End debut in Swimming With Sharks, opposite ex Supergirl Christian Slater and some sharks (obviously) before appearing alongside the saucy star of Rome Lindsay (mother of Blue Peter presenter Peter) Duncan in That Face of Boe to critical acclaim at London's Duke of York's Theatre.

Slater: Menswear.

Current Doctor and star of Top Gear, sexy Scotsman David Tennant, 27, has said Smith's "life is about to change in so many ways, what with puberty approaching" and Doctor Who Godhead Steven Moffatt, who was kind enough to speak exclusively to me on the phone earlier had this to add.

Duncan: experienced.

"Aye son, we had a wee shuftie thru' loads o' famous actors an' stuff but it made sense to cast wee Matt. I mean that bastard Tennant costs a bomb noo he's famous but wid the new fella bein' under 16 we can pay him what we like....as long as he's got The Beano and a Mars bar he's happy. You ken?"

Moffat and Tennant just before the
Scots superstar was pushed.

"The only problem we've got is with him being a wean we cannae do night shoots on a school night seein' as his mam wants him tucked up in bed before 9. Noo get to fuck before I set aboot ya!"

More news as it comes in but until then, welcome aboard Noel!

who's next?

Find out the morrow at 17:35, BBC 1.....

happy birthday to who.

Doctor Who.....forty five today.

Nuff said.

too much time (lord)?

Someone made this. I hope their parents are proud.

omfg.

Doctor Who, The Stolen Earth, the last five minutes.

Does teevee get any better than this?

the satan pitch.

Greatest Doctor Who based news story of the year?

Could be!

A Trowbridge Christian who renounced the evil of Doctor Who in favour of his newly discovered religious beliefs is selling his entire collection on internet auction website eBay.

But he hasn't sold his story to the paper to drum up extra publicity and more cash.

Obviously.

White: Sad and lonely man.

Balding and pot bellied Simon White, 47, became obsessed (and possibly possessed) by Doctor Who from a very early age and started collecting and building life-size models, finally sharing his home (but hopefully not his bed) with a full-size Dalek, two Cybermen and K-9.

The collection, which Mr White estimates is worth over £8.25, was built up over a number of years but is to be cast aside because of his religious beliefs.

Doctor Who and his materialistic obsession with it represents the "greatest lie that Satan ever told" said Mr White in his annoyingly nasally voice before continuing "I loved it, it was my favourite, I'd spend hours cracking one off over pictures of Sophie Aldred till I realised how silly the idea of a man from he heavens who walks amongst us giving us lessons on life and fighting evil whilst possessing the power to be 'resurrected' upon death was childish. I mean who would believe such stuff?".

Tennant: Satanic baby eater (allegedly).

He excitedly added, rubbing his sweating palms on his grease stained trousers (almost as if he'd hardly experience the company of anything other than his right hand): "I loved science fiction as a kid. It was the TARDIS that did it for me (in a non sexual way I hope). You could get in that box and go anywhere. I started collecting Doctor Who stuff starting with the Dalek, which I got from an old exhibitionist in Brighton whilst me and a 'friend' spent two years making the TARDIS. It was then I discovered that the series had possessed me, the voices started telling me to kill whores and bury the bodies in Cromer. I couldn't stop myself...I made a model of K-9, then a full size Cyberman with authentic parts".

Authentic parts? What? cybernetic implants and the bodies of old tramps?

Sick fuck.

Aldred: pleasures of the palm.

"I had to retire early from my job as a nurse at the Royal United Hospital in Bath because I was caught attempting to graft extra hearts onto the old folk. I turned to drink and constant masturbation before becoming an alcoholic (no doubt to give him something to do with the other hand).

The Doctor Who obsession was the only thing that kept me going.

It was as if it was controlling my thoughts and movements a wee bit like The Ood in that story The Satan Pit.

I couldn't have given it up even if you'd have put a gun to my head."

Or a Dalek plunger up his arse perhaps?

A Dalek prepares to devour some
children's souls yesterday.

Luckily Mr Smith discovered Christianity and has renounced his old life, feeling it more realistic to blindly hate homosexuals and their ilk rather than fictional characters such as the potato headed Sontarans and is putting his whole collection up for sale in local trade magazines and on eBay.

He said: "God delivered me from the evil that is Doctor Who, materialism, masturbation, fisting and alcoholism.

Through my relationship with Jesus I saw that none of this was making me happy and I was born again like Lazarus, or maybe the Master in Utopia.

It's a timely tale as we come up to Easter, the story of Jesus I mean not Earthshock and I wanted to loudly bore others by harping on about how no matter what trouble you are in God can deliver you from the evil.

Can he?
Tell that to the hundreds of innocents dead in the numerous war zones across the planet.

"If you are prepared to have a relationship with him then God can help".

Surely that's a bit like an old man saying "make smoke come out of my magic pipe and I'll give you five pounds"?

Sounds well suspect if you ask me.

The Doctor in the olden days shortly before he
betrayed Jesus, causing him to be
nailed to two planks of wood. Bastard.

"I have been resurrected. My old life is dead, my new life is alive."

Fair enough, now can you fuck off and stop annoying us normal folk with your frankly tragic little life you sad, sad man.

If you are interested in buying the Doctor Who figures (or feel like ripping the piss out of Mr. White because honestly he's fair game) contact the Wiltshire Times & Chippenham News on (01225) 773643 or email their website.