nip pinch and side shed.

Dr. Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks (AKA Frankenstein's Castle, Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks, Monsters of Frankenstein, Terror Castle, The House of Freaks, 1974)
Dir: Dick Randall.
Cast: Rossano Brazzi, Loren Ewing, Edmund Purdom, Simonetta Vitelli and her playful puppies, Christiane Rucker, Eric Mann, Luciano Pigozzi, Michael Dunn and Mr. Boris Lugosi as Ook.

Terror stalks the castle when the secret of life falls into the wrong hands.

Somewhere in deepest, darkest Europe a bunch of inbred local yokel types in designer footwear and tracksuits (we call them Neds) have decided, with it being a Sunday and all, to spend the afternoon stoning a topless, manbreasted Neanderthal (Ewing from Venus in Furs) to death.

No reason is given for this frankly loutish behaviour other that they must be a wee bit bored.

Fair enough then.

Luckily for our hapless brute, who should come a-riding past but the one and only Count Steve Frankenstein (Brazzi from such classics as South Pacific and The Italian Job obviously getting stung by his ex wife for a new swimming pool) who has other plans for the big man.

Yup you guessed it, the 'mad' scientist reckons this towering titan would make a great starting point for his latest experiment.

An experiment into the world of urban dance beats.


Probably.

"Mary Doll! whit's fae dinnah?"

However nothing ever goes smoothly for our favourite nutty professor as while he's performing (very complicated) surgery to transform his new plaything from a big beast into a fairly passable - and typical Glaswegian (complete with 'heid' bandage) who should turn up out of the blue but his sensible shoed yet large of breasted daughter Mary (Vitelli, ask your granddad), her hunky fiancé Eric (Mann the director of Manhunter and The Keep, possibly) and their dirty blonde and dirty pillowed anthropologist 'friend', Krista (Rucker best know by teevee fans for her long running role in Kottan Ermittelt) all intent on enjoying a holiday at Mary's old man's pad.


And his expense obviously.

"Now why don't you and your
little friend get wet n' naked before dinner?"

Playing the good host, Frankenstein wines and dines his guests, regaling them with funny science stories whilst secretly sending out his freakish posse (including Genz the necrophiliac porn dwarf fantastically played by Dunn) to steal more corpses for his experiment to recreate the entire rosta of BBC Scotlands' early 90's comedy talent.


Well he already appears to have Rab C Nesbitt.

"Whit?"

During one such midnight foray, the dim witted Hans (Yor's Pigozzi) forgets to clean away Genz' tiny footprints and, rather than admit his mistake, puts the blame on the little fella, causing the Count to banish him from his castle (of Freaks) without even having his supper first.



The size-ist bastard.


Genz, understandably annoyed by this (well, it was kippers on the menu) swears the wrath of the little people on the Count and begins to plot his revenge, luckily bumping into yet another Neanderthal named Ook (Lugosi AKA The Beast in Heat himself, Sal Boris ) who just happens to be prowling the woods for tottie.

Or at the very least for a pretty mooth to shite in.

"It's awight wee Jimmy, ah
checked the beanstalk".

Whilst all this is going on, Krista and Mary have discovered a soothing hot spring in the caves below the castle and have decided the best thing to do would be to get naked and go frolic in a sexy manner at any opportunity.

Obviously this adds nothing to the plot but it does mean you get quality dialogue like:

"This dress was designed to get out of quickly!"

and scenes like this:

and this:

Which is nice.

Anyway, back to the plot; Genz sneaks back into the castle (disguised as a small doll or a gnome no doubt) and frees a very angry Goliath (he looked in the mirror and was disappointed that he wasn't made to look like Wee Burnie) who then proceeds to smash the castle up and chase everyone whilst going "Gggrrraaaaahhhh" a lot.

Ook, meanwhile is slowly wandering through the dark tunnels below the castle looking for a quick shag and almost immediately comes across a naked, glistening (and very bouncy) Krista preparing for a soak.

Ook's leering grin, straining groin and outstretched hands say it all.....


Tissues ahoy!


Just as things couldn't get any worse the locals are still bored and have decided to organise another dads n' lads stoning and have decided that Frankenstein should be next on the list.

Wandering about the forest they soon come across Goliath (even tho' he looks completely different with his head bandaged) and give chase, following him into the caves where he hides behind a rock pretending to be a cat.

Surprisingly this ploy seems to work and Goliath is about to escape scott free (no idea what that means if I'm honest) when our brutish buddy spies poor Krista, covered in egg, sweat and semen (and on whom he has a wee bit of a schoolboy crush), being manhandled and arse whacked by the drooling Ook.

How can this horror end?

Rucker: bacony passage.

From the legendary director/producer/dwarf fetishist Dick Randall (the man who brought us Weng Weng's For Y'ur Height Only, Supersonic Man and Don't Open Till Christmas amongst other classics), Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks' appears to be the bizarre lovechild of the no-budget, lo-fi drive-in movies of the mid 60's and the studio bound Euro-exploitationers of the the early 70's, lurching as it does between Hammeresque horror and bouncy boob fun.

This schizophrenic approach coupled with a general sense of unevenness and a totally threadbare plot is made even more enjoyable when the action and horror is repeatedly hijacked by scenes of Christiane Rucker's ample arse and Simonetta Vitelli's glorious breasts.

"Laugh now!"

Quite rightly most of the rude stuff is instigated by the movies true star, the pixie like perv that is Michael Dunn. Whether he's pinching a dead woman's nipples or giving Ook a quick lesson in seduction using a kidnapped farm girl as an unwilling volunteer, Dunn's portrayal of the pube bearded, hunchbacked mini-molester is a riot of over the top twitches, snarls coupled with an overpowering sense of sexual deviancy.

It's like a pocket sized John Leslie is running around in your living room wearing your dad's pants.

Plus he has that wibbly wobbly run that's so endearing.

Frankly fantastic Friday night film fodder, plus as an added incentive to trawl thru' the bargain bins is that the UK DVD release on Something Weird Video is double boxed with the Victor Buono classic The Mad Butcher (AKA Meat is Meat).

And usually for under a tenner!