buio vista sociopath club.

Taking a break from completing the epic animated centrepiece to the GFT aftershow coming this weekend (It's called El Nitto Della Morte if any of you are interested) I thought I'd rewatch this personal favourite of mine.

Enjoy.

Buio Omega: Beyond the Darkness (AKA Blue Holocaust , The Final Darkness. 1979)
Dir: Joe D'Amato
Cast: Kieren Canter, Cinzia Monreale, Franca Stoppi, Anna Cardini, Lucia D'Elia and Sam Modesto.

"All right little boy, no one will touch your baby doll".

Our sad tale concerns the slightly intense and fairly lonely freak boy Frank Willer (Eroticoblues flaxen haired Canter) who, since the recent and not to mention mysterious death of his beautiful wife Anna (Monreale from The Beyond) spends most of his days skulking around his huge villa with only his frightening taste in late seventies fashions and his Mrs. Doyle-like, potato head onion odoured housekeeper Iris (stern faced Stoppi, star of Emanuelle fuga dall'inferno, The Other Hell and the underrated Bestiality among other things to gruesome too mention here) for company.

Being too rich (and too wet) to work Frank spends most of his (non whining) time either attempting to perfect his hobby (which is taxidermy) or suckling on Iris's left breast as she strokes his hair and calls him "Her little Frank".

You can probably already guess where this is going can't you.

Now there's a mooth made for shite-in in.

If you think that's a wee bit strange (or a little arousing) just wait till Anna's funeral, when just before the ceremony Frankie boy sneaks into the funeral home and quietly injects his wife's corpse with an embalming liquid.

Either because he's having the service on the cheap or that he has other plans for his dead missis.

Which do you think?

But unbeknownst to Frank, Mr. Kale (flash in the pan/cum in my pants Modesto) the friendly neighbourhood funeral director sees the whole thing.

Gah.

Obviously not wanting to spoil the funeral tho' he keeps quiet, allowing Frank to sneak (he does a lot off that during the film) back that very night and exhume Anna's still fresh, yet slightly stiff body, bundle it into the back of his Ford Transit and head home.

"You may feel a little prick dear".

But you know what they say about best laid plans and all that, 'cos the journey home is a disaster of Last of The Summer Wine comedic proportions with Frank first having to endure a flat tire followed by a run in with the police before finally coming across an obscenely chubby and squint eyed 'cock-er-nee' hitchhiker named Jan (D'Elia) who won't take no for answer.

But obviously has no qualms about stealing pies. 

Falling asleep in the van after one too many pasties, Jan is oblivious when Frank  drags Anna's corpse into the basement before slicing her open from boob to bush to remove her vitals and finally sucking her brain thru' a tube up her nose.

Which is fairly lucky really because no doubt the greedy bitch would've tried to scoff it all.

His luck can't last tho' and just as he's popping Anna's glass eyes in Jan stumbles into the basement (obviously drawn by the smell of fresh offal) to find Frank covered in blood, sweat, shit and shame whilst bending over the corpse.

Jan screams but as she turns to run the friction of her thighs rubbing together causes a bucket of intestines to fall on her, giving Frank enough time to beat her to death with a rolled up copy of Stuffed Bird Monthly.

You are what you eat...and you appear to have eaten a whole cake shop.

Iris, no doubt at a loose end after polishing off the china (and Frank) is soon on the scene to help tidy up the mess before helping Frank to carry Anne (not moss) to the bedroom, dressing her in a lovely nylon nightie and painting her finger and toe nails a luscious deep red colour.

Morning comes and Frank has a busy day, It seems that Mr. Kale wants a baboon stuffing (phnarr) and has been told that Frank's just the bloke to do it.

Sending a mutual friend to talk to Frank about the project (and to discover the secret of how to keep the arse really red) gives Kale the chance to sneak about in Frank's garage and the basement to look for stolen corpses but alas all he finds is a necklace belonging to Anna.

Spookily it was the one she was buried in.

Kale ignores this fact tho' and goes home.

No doubt to search T'internet for ape porn.

But the baboon has to wait tho' seeing as Frank still has a body to get rid of, so waiting till nightfall (and till his loyal housekeeper has done the dishes) he gets Iris to pop Jan's body in the bathtub (don't worry, it's a bloody big bath) and cover it in acid before pulping the remaining lumpy bits with a hammer.

The sight of Iris taking such pleasure from her work (well it's either that or the smell from her breath) is enough to make Frank vomit but luckily Iris is more than willing to 'take him in hand' and make it all better.

Which in case you found that too subtle means she gave him a handjob whilst pulling a face like your nan when she wins at bingo.

Celebrity Master Chef with John Leslie.

The next day Frank decides to go driving to help clear his head (and hopefully get rid of the smell of Iris' beefy fingers) and it's not long before his mind is completely clear of all things murder and old lady sex related thanks to the sight of an ample arsed, poodle haired jogger sitting at the side of the road suggestively rubbing her swollen ankle.

Steady on!

Frank, being the gentlemanly type immediately offers to take her up the villa for a thorough bandaging and the woman (Cardini but probably not the one I found on Facebook) obviously attracted to Bri-Nylon leisure wear, accepts his offer.

Anna Cardini: The Facebook one. Why not add her as a friend today?

No sooner have they arrived back than the pair of them are kissing, cuddling and engaging in general fondling on the sofa and Frank, happy to be finally pulling someone fairly attractive (as opposed to dead old or just dead) drags his new lady friend off to the bedroom for a quick shag.

You remember the bedroom don't you? You know the one where he keeps his dead wife.

Everything is going swimmingly till Frank decides to put it in her when just at the moment of entry he pulls down the bedspread to give Anna a good look too.

The juicy jogger turns her head and on seeing a completely different kind of stiffie leering over her begins to scream.

Frank has no choice but to kill her.

And stupidly before he's even climaxed.

Luckily Iris is on hand to (eventually) clean up both messes.

"Jam on mah throat!

Obviously jealous at the thought of Frank shagging someone his own age (and breathing) Iris decides that the best course of action would be to get rid of Anna's body and marry her, promising him a lifetime of vinegary hand-jobs and leek soup.

Frank isn't too keen on getting rid of Anna but scarily agrees to marry Iris (the sick fuck) and even offers to make her the mistress of the estate.

If it were me I'd rather carry on shagging the corpse.

Any corpse.

Even your nans.

Again.

Iris, desperate to keep her hands (and black toothed mouth) on Franks manhood begrudgingly agrees, promising to look after both Frank and his 'baby doll'.

Corpse in mah bed!

Iris, after buying a new dress and washing her bun, invites her family over to dinner to celebrate her engagement to Frank, but the groom to be storms off in a huff, locking himself in his bedroom with Anna, professing undying love for her whilst gently stroking her golden hair.

Which is kinda sweet if I'm honest.

Annoyed at her fiancés no show, Iris storms upstairs in an attempt to finally persuade Frank to get rid of Anna causing our hero to finally see the error of his ways.

By that I mean shagging a pensioner, not sharing a bed with a corpse obviously.

As the argument becomes more heated Frank realises that punching Iris in the face whilst calling her a dirty old whore isn't really going to help matters and the pair decide to call it a day.

Well Frank decides to call it a day, Iris on the other hand has gone totally fruitloops and she's decided to call it strawberry.

Whilst all this shouty stuff's been going on, Mr. Kale (remember him?) has been keeping his beedy eye (as opposed to the weeping squint one) on Frank and all the creepy goings on at the villa.

Between perving over primates obviously.

But just when Frank (and the audience) don't think the situation can get any worse (or convoluted), who should turn up but Anna's never before mentioned twin sister Elena (Monreale again) in order to pay her respects to Frank (she was obviously too busy getting her nails done to attend the funeral) but in reality just to give the director an excuse to send everyone off the deep end and into the murky waters of mentalism....

So will Frank come to his senses and end up marrying Elena?

Will Iris ever wash?

And more importantly will Kale ever get his hands on that stuffed baboon?

For an old bird she sure gives good head.

The late 70’s to mid 80’s was a prolific time for the European horror genre and is seen by many as the career high point for such directors as Lucio Fulci, Dario Argento, Luigi Cozzi and Umberto Lenzi, their work constantly pushing back the boundaries of cinema with increasingly exploitative plots and simply lashings of gore in such masterpieces as Zombie Flesh Eaters, Tenebrae, Contamination, The Beyond and Cannibal Ferox.

But the genres most underrated (and under appreciated) director must be the late great Aristide Massaccesi  (AKA Joe D'Amato, the man I share my birthday with).

Best known as a soft core porn director, he also contributed to the Euro-horror genre with such ‘classics’ as Anthropophagus: The Beast (starring Mia’s one eyed, ex cab driver sister Tisa Farrow) before wowing audiences worldwide with his fantastic forays into goreporn Erotic Nights of The Living Dead, Emmanuelle and The Last Cannibals (both starring dusky eyed beauty Laura Gemser) and  the subtly titled Porno Holocaust.

But perhaps his most accessible (and definitely least sordid) work is the wonderful Buio Omega: Beyond The Darkness.

With it's genius examples of Eurocentric 'panto acting, surrealist dubbing coupled with scenes of uncompromising violence and cheap gore the film stands up as D'Amato's most accomplished movie.

For one thing it has a vague semblance of a plot (usually his movies go: opening titles, shagging, murder, shagging, talky bit, shagging, misplaced 70's synth score, murder, end credits), a particularly strong lead performance from Kieren Canter (the only one he ever gave if I'm honest), a fantastically evocative score from Goblin, adequate (tho' barely) special effects and some even genuinely creepy moments.

Tho' it must be said that the best of these are when Iris attempts sexiness.

Gah indeed.

Meat in mah mooth.

But just imagine tho' how much greater still it could've been iin the hands of a more capable director (the bloke who directs all those Simon Philips films perhaps).

I'm sure there's a really bizarre alternate film universe where this is seen as a definitive Eurohorror classic, a kind of Italian Psycho or Peeping Tom. 

As it stands we have sometimes tense, slightly vile but entertaining movie with a heart as black as Iris'tightly curled pubes. 

And for once D'Amato resisted using actors with porn moustaches, frightful chest wigs and a bad case of genital warts, for which we can all be thankful.