A fairly short review for you now seeing as it's late here and that this has been sitting in a draft limbo for about four months.....
You know, it's a good job only about six folk read this, God help me if I had deadlines to work to.
The Girls Rebel Force of Competitive Swimmers (AKA: Joshikyôei hanrangu, Nihombie 2, Nihonbi 2, Undead Pool. 2006)
Dir: Kôji Kawano
Cast: Mizuka Arai, Sasa Handa, Yuria Hidaka, Hiromitsu Kiba and Hidetomo Nishida (There are many more folk too but I just can't be arsed listing them).
Aki (the tres cute-some star of Juicy Honey Handa) a former
'aqua terrorist' (who knew such a thing existed?) has decided to turn over a new leave and give up her exciting international jetsetting life to enjoy a normal, everyday life as a schoolgirl at a top Japanese school.
Unfortunately her first day is anything but normal; to begin with her new classmates decide that her welcome party involves being pushed into the swimming pool fully clothed and to make matters worse there's been an outbreak of a particularly virulent virus on campus that makes all those infected start to bleed from every orifice and begin to smell like a zoo.
How's your luck hen?
"Has anybody got any cans of orange juice?"
As if by magic a medical team (consisting of a pervy doctor and stern nurse) appear from nowhere to assist the pupils and administer a vaccine.
Which would be OK if only it didn't appear to make everyone's symptoms oh so slightly worse.
By that I actually mean turn them into scabby, short skirted flesh eating zombies.
Works for me.
By a strange quirk of fate tho' it appears that the chlorine in the pool counteracts the effects of the virus, leaving Aki free (but very wet) to lead a swimsuit clad band of schoolgirls in a battle for survival against not only the every increasing army of the undead but also her musically minded former boss and mentor who has cunningly disguised himself (well, he's wearing a lab coat) as the 'friendly' doctor helping the infected.
You see, it turns out that the virus is all his doing but this is only part of his sick scheme, a scheme that also involves touching up as many young girls as possible whilst playing a flute.
Dirty bugger.
"Fiona! Where's mah lunch?"
Rushing into battle against the evil doctor, Aki (not too surprisingly) gets a damn good beating and is left lying in a pool of blood ready to be muched on by any passing zombie. But as luck would have it her (up until now) shy new best friend Sayaka (long faced newcomer Arai) rescues Aki and, in an act of kidness that will bring tears to viewers everywhere, nurses her back to health by opening Aki's flimsy schoolshirt and dribbling soup into her mouth.
How sweet is that?
No need.
It seems to do the trick because in no time at all Aki is sitting up and sharing her sad tale of life as a killer for hire.
What follows is quite possibly the greatest fusion of dodgily translated subtitles, inappropriate incidental music and meaningful montage sequences ever committed to celluloid, featuring as it does slo-mo shots of Aki firing a machine gun whilst wearing a bikini, popping a butterfly knife into her pants, doing sweaty push ups with what looks like an orange in her mouth and sitting around topless looking bored.
Sheer genius.
The whole sorry tale is too much for the sensitive Sayaka who, with tears in her eyes reacts the only way she can.
And that's by stripping herself and Aki naked before indulging in a totally gratuitous lesbian scene whilst moaning loudly.
And biting her lip at the point of orgasm.
Photobucket removed the scan of the lesbian sex scene so here's a naked blood soaked Japanese schoolgirl (with her nipples covered of course)
instead.
Ready for battle (and probably another lie down) Aki is set to face her nemesis one final time.
Will she emerge triumphant?
And, most importantly will she be naked?
Who let the dogs out?
Kôji Kawano, director of the classic teen lesbian drama Love My Life and the soon to be classic Cruel Restaurant appears to have knocked out this lo-fi sleaze epic in a few hours between bouts of online gaming and frantic masturbation sessions, seeing as it consists of nothing but cheap gore and violence, unnecessary nudity and an abundance of soft core lesbianism aimed fairly and squarely at the 'I've never seen a lady naked except my mum' demograph.
Which frankly is a public service that must be applauded.
By no means perfect (tho' why it isn't with the plot it has is a wee bit of a mystery), it would be churlish (and a wee bit geeky) to point out this movies flaws and weaknesses when your average viewer is only watching for a glimpse of the square faced, hamster cheeked dream girl Sasa Handa's frankly stunning breasts.
Handa: Chinny Rackon.
Running at just under eighty minutes it never outstays it's welcome and, although the budget is lower than John Leslie at Crufts it achieves it never looks
too cheap, widly throwing ever more bizarre characters and situations at the screen hoping at least a few will stick and cover the cracks.
Juggling, fire breathing zombies? Yup. A flute playing pervert in a lab coat? Check. A heroine with a deadly laser beam built into her vagina?
It has all this and more.
Well I say more but in reality is has all this plus a copious amount of pantie shots.
And breasts.
Go on, you know you want to.
