the entrance of uranus.

The Red Monks (1988).
Dir: Gianni Martucci.
Cast: Gerardo Amato, Lara Wendel, Malisa Lang, Chuck Valenti, Claudio Pacifico, Mary Maxwell, Gaetano Russo and Ludovico Della Jojo.


The Garlini family are one of those unlucky enough (but quite common according to Eurotrash cinema) to have some kinda curse that gets visited on generation after generation.

Unlike most movie curses which seem to involve Werewolves or hidden torture chambers the Garlini one appears to concern a violin playing old woman and a nude, turban headed lady with a predilection for jogging.

Takes all sorts I guess.

Anyway, back in the movie a young fella my lad about town (in a snazzy Burton's suit) has just noticed the naked lady running around his garden and decides to call out to her (as you would) but she ignores his cries and heads into his house (wahey!).

Following her indoors and down into the houses sprawling basement the nameless bloke finds this dusky beauty standing with her back to him giving him plenty of time to take in the curves of her ample arse.

But before you can say 'up the casino' she slowly turns around and with sword in hand beheads the poor sod.

Ouch.

Riverseafingle's finest council
estate scrubber Bobby: not naked
or welding a sword (unfortunately).

Luckily scary voiceover man sexily intoning "fifty years earlier" snaps us back to reality which is a blessed relief after experiencing so much terror so early in the proceedings.

Still in the grounds of the house, well to do hunk Bob Garlini (Amato) is minding his own business when he comes across a foxy lady (dressed as a cleaner for reasons only known to the director) stuck up a tree whilst Bob's vicious dog barks at her.

Which in itself is a bit bizarre because the woman in question is played by Lara Wendel, who also gets snapped at by a big dog in Dario Argento's Tenebrae.

Bob convinces Ramona (for that is her name) to jump out of the tree and into his manly arms just before the rubber joke shop spider that's glued to one of the branches 'bites' her.

I don't know what's more
wooden, the tree or Wendel's leg.

As she falls into his arms their eyes meet and it's love at first sight. Whirlwind romance and marriage follow, which would be all well and good if not for Bob's dark secret.

You see it appears that Bob has a cellar chock full of spooky red monks intent on having his new bride sacrificed within four days, not only that but she has to remain a virgin (which is bad news for all parties really).

As you would expect, this puts a wee bit of pressure on the poor guy on his wedding night, leaving Ramona to wonder if she should have just jumped out the tree and let the dog have her.

To make matters worse Bob keeps getting called away to 'important business meetings', leaving his grumpier by the minute bride sitting at home getting the piss taken out of her by the housekeeper.

Bob (in a) monkhouse.

Luckily Ramona quickly strikes up a friendship with her maid, the raven haired, dark eyed Lucille (Lang from Thor The Conqueror) who is more than happy to entertain the new Mrs. Garlini with tours of the scary cellar to check out the handy guillotine kept hidden in there.

Deciding that spending her evenings skulking about in dank cellars is way more fun than watching the Hallmark channel Ramona eventually comes across the red monks going about their basement based business, which would be fine if she didn't suddenly wake up in bed half way thru' the chat.

Is she going mental?

Well her hubbie and housekeeper seem set on trying to convince her so.

Lucille is having none of it tho' and tells Ramona that she did indeed go into the cellar that evening and that she isn't in fact going loopy after all.

Phew.

Everything seems to be back to normal the next day (well, if you forget about the monks, the plot to send Ramona mad and the fact that her hubbie keeps eying up the housemaid) so our lovebirds decide to enjoy a picnic in the garden, this romantic notion is oh so slightly spoiled however when Lucille's severed head pops out of the picnic hamper during the cheese selection.

Trying to make the best of a bad situation, Ramona reckons a wee bit of painting may calm her nerves, but would you credit it, that darned spider is back on the loose.

Lang: damn good head.

As if by magic (or perhaps because of some tawdry storytelling), just as the beastie is about to bite Ramona an unhealthily thin bloke with a really awful ponytail (Pacifico...possibly, but who really cares?) arrives and shags our heroine (much to her annoyance).

Finally getting into the groove she pulls down her dress, pops her knickers in her pocket and arranges to meet the leathery Lothario for drinks in a local bar later that night.

Result.

After a pint and a plate of scampi hairman takes Ramona to visit a stinky tramp with a comedy stick on beard who helpfully offers to tell her the full gory story of her hubbies house....

Now pay attention, here's the science part.

The pen may be mightier than the
sword but this'll go further up your arse.

Coughing up a tasty bit of black lung the old man whispers thru' his fishy beard "...it all began in the year 1426..." as the screen goes all wibbly wobbly before coming to focus on a pointy chinned man in tights drinking cheap wine.

Grand Duke Garlini (for that is he) spends his days hanging around with that group of red hooded monks from earlier getting into all kinds of scrapes and mischief until one day he finds a naked gypsy running around his garden.

Doing what any mad Duke would do, he proceeds to rape the poor girl before asking her to marry him.

The local church, understandably annoyed by all these shenanigans decide to send a mysterious, black masked assassin to kill the Duke.

As you would.

Insert caption mentioning breasts and sticking
things in people here
cos frankly I cannae be arsed.

After a primary school style sword fight, the assassin ends up with the duke's long blade wobbling scarily at his mouth (OK it's at his throat but that doesn't sound as rude).

Beggining for mercy whilst the demented Duke stands astride him laughing like a loon, Mr. Assassin sees his chance to stick him with his posioned ring before tossing him off (the balcony) and sticking a handy mace in him.

Ouch.

As was the law in the olden days, the assassin inherits the Duke's lands (as well as his gypsy wife) but before he can drag her off to the bedroom she lays down a curse on him and his descendants forever.

If this wasn't a big enough revelation it turns out that Ramona is apparently a descendant of the gypsy and it is her destiny to have revenge on Bob.

She buys a sword from a local armourer and heads back home....

"Ayah! mah BCG!"

Will she behead her hubbie?

Will the fabled red monks do anything but stand about?

Who beheaded Lucille?

Is Ramona a ghost?

Why is Bob shagging the housekeeper?

One of these questions (if you can make it that far) may be answered by the movies end.

But don't hold your breath.

Gianni Martucci, director of the fantastic Naked Girl Killed in the Park, brings us this (very) loose remake of the Mario Bava classic Lisa And The Devil minus the suspense shocks and thrills.

Produced by an obviously feverish Fulci and Pino Buricchi (the man who gave us Intimate Crimes and Cindy's Love Games amongst other gems) The Red Monks maybe be tedious to the extreme with plot holes so big that you could comfortably reverse Eamon Holmes thru' them without touching the sides but ultimately it has a touch of the motorway pile up about it; you just can't stop watching. Just as you're about to consider topping yourself rather than sit thru' another second of this dodgily dubbed drivel, a pair of 70's breasts pop out of nowhere or a head rolls out of a hamper and suddenly you're transfixed again.

Before you know it you're hooked worse than a dirty junkie.

Recommended.

But beware.