brownie points.

Phew!

Well I've finally managed to track down an uncut DVD version of the HK guns 'n' girls actioner Naked Killer for the lovely Rollie to replace her worn out VHS copy but my word what a palaver it's been....

I mean, the amount of times I'd thought I'd downloaded this classic when, in fact I'd just spent a day grabbing Naked Killer 2 got beyond a joke, especially when you know that Naked Killer 2 isn't even a 'proper' sequel, It's actually the fantastically exploitatively monikered Raped by an Angel (the first in a 'hit' series, natch) retitled to cash in on NK stars Chingmy Yau and Simon Yam appearing on screen together again.

Does exactly what it says on the box.

But first, for those of you unfamiliar with this classic romantic thriller (and if you haven't seen it then honestly, I'm shocked) the plot of the original NK goes something like this:

Raven haired and slender of thigh Kitty (Yau) is a quite frankly scary lady with a neat hobby of punishing bad men that cheat on their girlfriends. Tinam (Simon Yam) on the other hand is a nice guy cop who unfortunately shot and killed his brother (by accident of course) and is now impotent plus vomits uncontrollably when he holds a gun.

(How's your luck?).

A naked killer showering yesterday.

Their paths cross when Kitty is caught after repeatedly stabbing her friends boyfriend in the genitals after finding out he's been unfaithful (ouch), Tinam attempts to arrest her but ends up just throwing up his lunch and shaking a bit.

Kitty decides to head to the police station and seduce Tinam in the hope that the sight of her nice flat tummy, shiny mane and luscious thighs will stop him dobbing her in to his superiors.

She's a sly one.

Being a typical man our hero cop has no idea that she's leading him on a just sits drooling.

Which is a nice change from sitting vomiting I guess.

Meanwhile back in the family orientated sub plot, Kitty's father's marriage to his new (whorish) wife is being rocked by her countless affairs and the fact that she wears belts instead of skirts. It all comes to a head one evening when he arrives home to find her writhing around, legs akimbo with a Yakuza boss named Bee (Ken Lo).

In the ensuing argument, Kitty's dad falls down the stairs, bumping his head and dying.

Ouch (again).

"I love you....could it be vomit?"

Understandibly annoyed at this turn of events, she storms into Bee's office and proceeds to off him, all his burly bodyguards and the majority of his secretarial staff (including the poor tea boy and the girl that fills the photocopier) and during the course of her dramatic escape also takes a foxy older lady hostage.


By a bizarre stroke of luck, it turns out that the woman is, in fact the notorious assassin Sister Cindy (Hong Kong's very own Barbara Windsor, Wai Yiu) who suddenly begins joining in the carnage even going as far as taking out a couple of their pursuers herself.

Escaping unscathed and seeing that Kitty has the potential to become a top lady assassin herself, Cindy offers to train her in the mystic art of kicking arse using a mental, half starved pedophile she has chained up in her cellar as a makeshift punch bag (and I thought our walk-in cupboard was bad with the amount of comics stored in there).

It's Glasgow's Miss Masonic Lodge 1984.

Via the magic of sweaty slo-mo montage scenes we see Kitty go from scary penis stabbing mentalist to highly trained penis stabbing assassin before finally bettering her teacher.

The time is right for her first mission alongside Sister Cindy to 'take out' a Yakuza bad man in an orgy of soft rock music, slinky thigh action and squirty blood.

None too happy with this, the local Yakuza put a price on Kitty's head (and stunning thighs and pneumatic chest too probably) and evil lesbian murderess Princess (the tiny headed yet frighteningly breasted Carrie Ng), a former protégé of Sister Cindy and her market stall fashion victim Japanese lover Baby (moonfaced cutey Madoka Sugawara) take the job.

"I can see your house from here Peter".

Tinam meanwhile has decide to use this murder as an excuse to find Kitty whom he discovers is disguised as a foxy air hostess named Vivian Shang (is a wee bit complicated to explain so e-mail me if you want details).

She convinces him that he's mistaken (obviously he was too busy staring at her arse to remember her face) but decides to carry on flirting with him anyway, giving Sister Cindy ample time to murder everyone else who can connect Kitty to Vivian Shang.

"Push harder or I'll never fit in this suitcase".

Kitty and Tinam finally have their much anticipated soft focus shag before tearfully realising that a cop and a killer (even a naked one) will have a slightly difficult time holding down a stable relationship.

Awwwwe.

Being a sweetie, Sister Cindy suggests that Kitty leave the assassin business and settle down with her beau and live happily ever after, which would be OK if Princess, who if you remember is out to kill Kitty, hadn't become madly obsessed her, which has led to scenes of sweaty rough sex with Baby featuring orgasmic machine gun fire, opera gloves and much fiddling about with each others panties in loving close-up.

Well, it works for Rollie.

Vicious lips, milky eye.

They decide instead to off Sister Cindy, hoping that will bring an enraged Kitty to them but the old bird puts up a good fight before ultimately being killed by the luscious poisoned lips (coated in an evil lipstick that is fatal when mixed with booze - obvious eh?) of Princess.

"Lesbe friends...."
"homo we wont!"

Kitty is still nowhere to be found tho' (she's busy hiding under the duvet hoping everything will blow over like you would in this situation) and just when you think you can't take anymore of Princess wailing, abusing Baby's wobbly arse and firing off a machine gun our heroine re-appears with an interesting proposition....

Kitty, it seems is willing to let bygones be bygones if Princess will become her business (and bedroom) partner.

Princess thinks the deal over for about three minutes (giving her a chance to oogle Kitty's unspanked backside) before hurriedly shouting "Yes please!" and leaping on her for a bit of black clad assassin on assassin action.

Princess, however is too caught up in the incredibly gratuitous (but admittedly sexy) lesbian lust frenzy to realise that Kitty is also wearing poisoned lippy!

Whilst locked in an erotic embrace, our (completely vomit free) boy Tinam bursts in thru' a window and proceeds to mow down all of Princess's hench-people (in slo-mo of course) before turning his gun on Baby and legging it back to Sister Cindy's pad with Kitty.

"Milk in mah mooth!" (well, I hope it's milk).

An understandably furious Princess follows the lethal lovers as the poison starts to take effect arriving to find a deliriously dishy Kitty shouting abuse at her from the living room and, oblivious to the fact that Kitty too is slowly dying Princess breaths her last.

Devastated by the thought of losing Kitty, Tinam throws back his head and screams before firing his gun at the gas oven causing the house (and them) to explode in a blaze of colour and inappropriate end music.

Madoka Sugawara: Lego hair.

As you can probably tell from the above synopsis, NK is an utter hoot from start to finish, a film so over the top it's possible to get vertigo just by looking at the DVD sleeve for too long which makes the fact that Raped by an Angel was released as Naked Killer 2 even more of a travesty.

Whereas NK features a stunning mix of romance, extreme violence, slinky ladies mixed with scenes of women snorting coke from sweaty muscled mens arses, fantastically choreographed lesbian sex scenes and enough gunplay to keep even Charlton Heston happy (if he were still alive that is), Angel removes all these elements (except Chingmy Yau's wonderous thighs) and replaces them with, well nothing really.

"Look! it's Jimmy Krankie's hat!"

The plot(?) is paper thin to say the least, centering as it does around sweaty, rat like bad boy perv Chuck Chi-shing (played to perfection by the ickle fin legged Mark Cheng) who has an unhealthy obsession with a hot model Yau Yuk-nam (Yau).

Can any movie live up to this poster?

As part of his plan to get (very) close to Ms. Yuk-nam, he moves in next door to her toothsome, jiggly breasted, harsh fringed pal Chu Kit-Man (Ng Suet-Man, who no doubt does whatever a Suet-Man can) playing nice but dim neighbour before drugging and molesting her.

Twice.

Whilst all this misogynist stuff is going on (in loving close up I may add) Yau Yuk-nam has started dating the lovable triad guy with a heart Tso Tat Wah (Yam, sexy as ever) but the romance is cut short by a mix of tragedy and legal action (as part of the storyline, not from bored viewers) leading to a blood, sweat, egg (and semen) stained, incredibly tasteless climactic showdown between a half naked Yau, a sexily shirted Yam and the dirty Cheng.

Cheng: He has five pounds.

Saying that tho' you kinda know what to expect from a movie with a title like Raped By an Angel, it's not like you're just going to idly pick it up of the shelves in a Julian Brazier sort of way, pop it on one Sunday afternoon the be surprised if you find it offensive are you?

At least I hope not.

All I can say is if you're looking to waste a few hours with a mix of gratuitous nudity, sleazy sex, Chingmy Yau's just stepped out of the salon hair and a bit of argy bargy then forget this shite and buy Naked Killer instead.

No need or every need?

But if you find that you can't resist viewing a movie with such an offensive title then you could do worse than checking out the surprisingly entertaining sequel Raped By An Angel 2: The Uniform Fan.

This time round we enter the world of a perverted dentist (the scarily Tony Blair like Joe Tak-Chung Ma) who has a slightly worrying thing for girls in uniform (more worrying than most of us that is).

Up until now he's managed with dirty films and almost constant masturbation but it's getting to the point where not even this can alleviate his warped desires and soon enough he's a-raping and a-murdering traffic wardens in seedy back alleys just for kicks.

As you can tell he's a very bad man indeed.

Just in case you missed it first time round
(do you realise how long it took
me to scan these shots?)

If this wasn't enough he's also start to fantasize about buxom highschool girl Jenny (infamously wobbly bummed and white ankle sock wearing Cat III star Chung Chun) who's booked in for a wee filling.

But not the kind he has on offer obviously.

Chun: loose crown,
Hello Kitty undies and
unsightly plaque not shown.

As soon as she enters the surgery he starts sweating like, well a rapist obviously and can only be calmed down when his put upon nurse raises her uniform and offers to let him fill her instead (sorry, no need for that).

Mr. Dentist then cooks up an incredibly convoluted plan to get Jenny (and her pals) drunk (and drugged) at his house and have his wicked way with her (after which he'll wank off her unconscious boyfriend into a condom and place his prone, trouserless body between Jenny's chubby thighs - see? told you it was unnecessarily complicated).

Check the socks: The great Diane Pang
from a totally different yet still
exploitative movie yesterday.

Surprisingly the plan goes awry and leaves Jenny in hospital with concussion and a sore arse which pisses off her policewoman sister Po Wan Yu (Athena Chu, the star of the classic Shaolin Kung Fu Kids), who, as luck would have it has just been demoted from overcoat wearing detective to cutesy uniformed PC.

Can you guess what happens next?

Athena Chu's farted and it's an eggy one.

Yup, she becomes the new object of the dentists affections as the movie careers toward an explosive climax featuring Po Wan Yu's mad granny, poisoned coffee, castration and a far too skimpy Brownie uniform.

Much was made on the films release in Hong Kong of Chung Chun’s “incredibly sexy performance” but in the harsh light of day consists of endless shots of her bending over showing her big white undies, chewing pencils and lying prone in a dentists chair whilst being slowly unbuttoned by a sweaty man.

Not all at the same time I hasten to add.

Luckily the movies saving grace is Athena Chu dressed in the aforementioned Brownie uniform pretending to be drunk whilst flashing her undies and giggling (her reason for the outfit? she's a Brown Owl for the local pack).

Nuff said really.