sado.....noooooooooooooooooooo.

Cassidy has been off nursery with a bad cough so he's been in charge of the teevee recently.

Well at least he's choosing something other than HK action flicks now.

Sadomania (AKA Holle der Lust. 1981)
Dir: Jesus Franco.
Cast: Uta Koepke, Ursula Buchfellner, Ajita Wilson, Antonio Mayans (AKA 'Robert Foster'), Gina Janssen, Jesus Franco, Angel Caballero and a huge, horny dog.

"Look at the dog! Look at the dog!"

 Young(ish) and fairly groovy (for the west midlands) newlyweds, Olga (pert of breast and flaxen of haired Koepke, best known for her performance as Kirstin in the classic Drei Schwedinnen auf der Reeperbahn) and Michel (Caballero from the brothel based drama L'oasis des filles perdues) are happily enjoying their South America honeymoon cum golfing holiday, it's been sun, sand, huge amounts of cocaine, a wee bit of poverty and holes in one all the way so far and, soon to return home our loving couple decide to finish their hols with an idyllic picnic.

After packing the Tizer and egg and cress sandwiches they're soon on their way, taking a short cut to the beach thru' the grounds of the ominous Hacienda Blanco, notorious women's prison and general den of kinkiness.

As you can imagine this doesn't go down too well with the Hacienda's evil warden Magda (transsexual mega-star and Euro porn queen, the late great Ajita Wilson) who comes across the pair gobbling on some fruit.

Wilson: Like you'd have a choice.

After a quick telling off and a slapped wrist Michel is sent on his merry way but Olga on the other (slightly smaller) hand is charged with trespassing on private property and detained at (and for) the wardens pleasure.

Matron!

Michael, being all man and caring about his new wife, sheepishly bids farewell and saunters off without even a hint of annoyance leaving poor Olga to be (roughly) taken up the prison to be 'processed'.

Arriving at the prison gates and only being used to watching Prisoner: Cell Block H on the teevee, Olga is surprised to say the least, seeing as this alleged  top security complex looks more like a run down holiday camp for  angry, bed-wetting dykes, housing around 40 women of various degrees of attractiveness, clad only in Daisy Duke style hot-pants toiling in fields whilst (topless) female guards with machine guns watch them from horseback or from home made chariots.

A wee bit like my mums old school.

"Are you looking at my bra?"

Lucky for Olga tho' who to be honest isn't the sharpest tool in the tin, even tho' the whole prison experience seems a wee bit strange, the rules are oh so simple:

If a prisoner is caught trying to escape they are given a 60 second head start and then chased and shot.

Unless the rubber Crocodiles don't get them first that is.

Alternatively, if the local politicians wife, the luscious Loba (swallowing superstar Janssen from the Story of Q) is in a good mood,  they are taken for a wee kiss and cuddle with her impotent husband Jeff Mendoza (Foster from Oasis of the Zombies and Zombie(s) Lake) or even with Loba herself.

Which is nice.

"Now ladies....who fancies a wee bit o' mooth shite-in?"

Obviously inmate cat fighting is a definite no no and not to be tolerated, punishable as it is by both prisoners being bundled into a ramshackle cage and maked to fight to the death whilst the inmates and guards look on.

Obviously everyone is topless.

It's not all bad tho' as the winner gets the special treat of spending the night with Mendoza's (over) friendly Alsatian, Butch to enjoy his own special brand of 'meat treats'.

If, for some strange reason, none of this works to break the prisoners spirits, the worst offenders (with the best breasts) are sold to the nearest brothel owner Lucas (director Franco with trademark pube beard in tow) for the pleasure of the local mine workers and salty sailor folk.

Exactly like my mums old school.

Who's best...Dannii or Cheryl?.....There's only one way to find out! FIGHT!

Back to the non lesbian/torture/dog sex plot and poor Michel, obviously feeling guilty about leaving his missis in such a god forsaken hell-hole  (but more likely just jealous of missing out on all this girl on girl action) decides it's time to rescue Olga.

Yup, I know he's taken his time about it but they've got to stretch the movie out somehow.

But if he's ever to be re-united with his true love he must first face not only the wrath of Luba and her psycho-sexual perversions but the cunning wiles of the horny she-male Magda who, sick of sticking it in girls is searching for some fresh, virginal manass to corrupt.

Oh and don't forget Mendoza's dog.

Good old Jess Franco, director of such classics as Vampyros Lesbos and well everything you can think of with the words nude, little or vampire in the title really (oh and that cannibal one where Al Cliver loses his arm), brings this shockingly brutal and realistic tale of loose women, perverted prisons and militant feminism to the screen in a blaze of cheaply made, badly acted, S/M fuelled trashorama sleaze in the way only he can.

But to be honest is this a good thing?

Some 'enthusiasts' will claim that Franco's movies have some kind of 'genuine artistry' and a strong moral message but to be honest it's pretty well hidden here.

Maybe I should take a closer look as no doubt it's carefully hidden somewhere between the frankly bizarre cutaways to close-ups of a selection of wind-up tin toys when Mendoza's pup ravishes the foxy cage fighter and the bits prisoners get eaten by crocodiles.

Or maybe I'm just too thick to see past the exploitation excesses...answers in an e-mail please.

"Oh no! I have my woman's period".

But, whilst never reaching the dizzy heights of Franco's all time classic Bloody Moon (obviously), it still has much to offer the serious film connoisseur, from glimpses of how unattractive the majority of people in the 70's were when naked to a rare mainstream (sort of) performance by cult goddess Ajita Wilson, later to become Europe's highest paid transsexual porn star and my godmother.

And at the end of the day it doesn't matter how new man you feel, if you're home alone on a Friday night all you really want to see is mindless violence intercut with shots of some choice overgrown seventies bush and a hint of bestiality.

What your girlfriend really gets up to on bingo night.

By the way, before you complain to social services I was only joking about letting the wee fella watch Jess Franco movies, that would be sick (plus he's only half way thru' the Lucio Fulci back catalogue and I wouldn't want to confuse him).