Dir: Emilio Miraglia.
Cast: Anthony Steffen, Marina Malfatti, Erika Blanc, Giacomo Rossi-Stuart, Enzo Tarascio, Umberto Raho, Roberto Maldera and Joan C. Davis.
Welcome to the world of the filthy rich yet nutty as squirrel shit Sir Alan Cunningham (Steffen, AKA Antonio De Steffe, B-movie beefcake for hire) who, when not escaping from the local lunatic asylum on a monthly basis is hiring seedy down-at-heel hookers from down at the local docks for tuppence a time.
And the fact that Sir Alan uses fake number plates when picking up these sensuous ladies of the night really doesn't help the feeling that he may be after more than a wee bit of slap and tickle.
Arriving at his ramshackle stately home one night with a particularly rouge faced, ginger haired old slapper named Terri (no doubt played by your mum) Sir Alan leads her to a sumptuously seventies (in a kinda Roger Moore way) living room where he prepares a few glasses of J & B Whiskey (the Eurohorror drink of choice) while she slowly strips in an incredibly bored manner.
Bruce Campbell entertaining
a hunchbacked dwarf yesterday.
a hunchbacked dwarf yesterday.
Stripped down to her market stall suspenders and big black Grannie pants she seductively follows Big Al into what she thinks is the bedroom, so imagine her surprise when she discovers she's actually been led into a medieval torture chamber and before you can say bloodied breasts Terri Whore finds herself strapped to a block of wood whilst Alan whips her before branding her soft white skin and finally stabbing her to death in a mentalist frenzy whilst screaming something about some woman named Evelyn.
Which is nice.
Early next morning Albert the groundskeeper (Maldera, in a performance worthy of his own spin-off series), is angrily accosting Alan on the front lawn. It appears that all the stabbings and torture kept poor Albert awake the night before and now he's too knackered to even consider mowing the lawn.
Alan, being a considerate sort of chap gives Albert £30 in the hopes of winning him over (which indeed it does) so the crafty gardener heads into town to stock up on tissues and Pot Noodles, but not before a huge explanatory that serves to reveal that Evelyn was not only Sir Al’s (red haired) wife but also Albert's wee sister.
Stranger things are to come tho' as we discover that she died under 'mysterious circumstances' shortly after her husband became aware of the fact that she was having an affair.
Could this be related to the huge number of dead ginger whores in the cellar?
Blanc faced.
That night, craving a wee bit more of the old sex and violence (well, it keeps him off the streets I guess....oh right), Alan phones his equally as hatstand relative, George (the late, great Murdock star of The Etruscan Kills Again) to see if he fancies a night on the town.
George, next in line to the Cunningham fortune is the brains behind the operation, being the one that picks the 'nite spots' and back alley's that the duo frequent as well as deciding which red heads Alan should murder.
Which is more than any cousin of mine has done for me, except for that one time with the head in the fridge but that wasn't my fault.
All dressed up in the latest high fashions, they kinky pair head into town to the famous Barnsley Strip Emporium and Bingo Club where the harsh faced yet appealingly carrot topped stripper Susie (Blanc, the breast revealing star of A Dragonfly for Each Corpse and Will Our Heroes Be Able to Find Their Friend Who Has Mysteriously Disappeared in Africa?) is about to strut her stuff.
Oh, and get her tits out obviously.
Alan and George attempt to cover their tracks.
By the end of the evening, Sir Alan has hooked up with Susie, offering her a massive £1000 (in old money) to come back to his house for a stabbing.
I mean a shag.
Returning to Sir Al's pad, it's not long before Susie finds herself bra-less (tho' suitably huge panted), bound and standing in the middle of the torture chamber with Alan sweatily rubbing his hands together with glee as he approaches her menacingly.
A swift knee to the happy sacks gives Susie enough time to leg it into the garden, vault the fence and take refuge in a deserted chapel but to no avail. Al approaches the luscious lovely, his arms outstretched ready for the kill...luckily for Susie he's overcome mid throttle by vivid visions of his dead ex missis.
Next morning Sir A goes about his business as normal with no mention or sign of Susie, which is a good job really seeing as he has an appointment with the head psychiatrist from the asylum he used to regularly escape from (Rossi-Stuart from Gate of Hell, War of the Robots, The Last Man on Earth and Kill, Baby... Kill! playing the Doc not the asylum, obviously).
It's a pity then that Doctor Timberlake, sorry Timberlane (for that is he) appears to be as nutty as he is.
Not only is he confused as to whether his former patient should really be going out butchering sleazy burds but he reckons that holding a séance to get in touch with his dead wife to let her tell her hubbie to move on would be a good idea.
This has come about due to Doc Timberlane discovering that Alan’s Aunt Agatha (Davis, looking more like Al's younger sister) is a bona fide psychic medium.
Matthew Waterhouse, up the casino 1982.
The séance (rather unexpectedly to them but obviously not to us) is a huge success with Evelyn hovering above the dining table, but as she goes to speak Alan has another seizure, making the idea of having another ghostly chat experience a wee bit of an embarrassing idea to bring up again.
So it’s back murdering gin soaked whores for Sir Alan.
And where better place to start than a cheap and tacky high society 'do' organised by the always helpful George?
Everything seems to be going to hell in a handbag until George introduces Al to an incredibly beautiful yet frighteningly big chinned girl with the amusingly unsexy name of Gladys (Malfatti from All the Colors of the Dark).
Enjoying her excited chat and horse-like laugh it's obvious that Sir Alan is besotted. So much so that it comes as a shock to all involved when he gets down on one knee and proposes to Gladys there and then.
Gladys all over.
With a swing in his step and a song in his heart Alan begins to restore the family mansion and put his past life of whore slashing behind him, gathering his entire family (well, his aunt and cousin plus the Albert) and a bevvy of saucy blonde maids to begin preparations for what could be a wedding to rival Jade Goody's for out and out freak value.
it's not long tho' before things start to go wrong (and no, I don't mean that Al's fiancee is going to get arrested for beating up a wee boy) when the theft of an an antique dinner service by a mysterious redhead dressed in a French maid outfit (wahey!) causes Alan’s Evelyn fixated hallucinations to begin again.
Putting two and two together to make 'random horror logic jump', Gladys begins to think that Evelyn might not be dead at all.
Is it wrong to find this photo sexy?
Sod stolen tea sets and wedding bollocks tho' because after the spate of prostitute murders in the films first half the audience is now gagging for some more killings (preferably by a black gloved mentalist).
Well don't worry we won't have long to wait.
First up poor Albert is attack with a big snake and buried alive after being rendered unconscious by the reptiles venom then Aunt Agatha has a housebrick dropped on her (bulbous) head before being fed to Alan's pet foxes.
Ouch.
How the story may have been reported by
the press if it were real.
the press if it were real.
And if that wasn't enough to keep the film lurching excitedly towards it's climax then the fact that glamorous Gladys has started seeing Evelyn floating outside her window at night should make even the most jaded horror fan shriek with, oh I don't know...mild apathy I guess?
But what's this? Alan himself finally saw her too this time, so off he goes to the deserted chapel where her coffin lies.
Once inside, Alan is relieved to find not only the stolen dinner set (they're not cheap you know) but also Evelyn, who frighteningly still has a full curvy figure and ample breasts but a face of utter skull fuckness.
Like Skeletor's head stuck on Lorraine Kelly's body.
Feeling a tad better for seeing his dead wife's breasts again, Sir Al is just about to seal her coffin when Evelyn suddenly opens her eyes and sits bolt upright in her coffin!
Unsurprisingly Alan starts to dribble before dropping to his knees and pissing himself (with fright, not laughter), his mind totally broken by this supernatural act.
Stepping out of her coffin and wandering off into the night, Evelyn waits till she's out of her husband's field of vision before pulling off the shoddy skull mask to reveal......
Gladys!
It appears that everything has been a big elaborate (some may say over elaborate) plot by George to get his hands on Alan’s title and fortune.
The dirty sod.
Celebrating his new found wealth George takes Gladys to his secluded love nest just outside Bridgenorth to celebrate. But once a sly bastard always a sly bastard and he turns on the big chinned chick too, poisoning her Champagne.
As Gladys lies on the sofa, foaming at the mouth and pulling a scarily accurate Bruce Forsyth cum face (I know what that looks like, my nan told me), who should walk in but Susie!
Yup, she was working for George too.
For fuck sake this is convoluted.
Gladys, half dead yet still bouncy, picks up a handy bread knife and lunges at Susie, sticking it into her shoulderblade to which Susie retaliates with a broken bottle.
Soom both ladies are cutting chunks out of each other with various handy household items as George looks on with a kinda manic glee usually seen on your mum's face when your best mate visits after swimming.
It's not long before the pair of them are lying dead in a huge pool of their own blood, leaving George with no witnesses or loose ends, just a huge pile of cash.
Leaving his house to begin his newly acquired playboy lifestyle, George is shocked to find Alan standing in his flower patch cradling a huge bag of nitric acid fertilizer to his bosom.
It seems the madness (well some of it) was just a ruse to out George for the bad man that he is and now Sir Alan wants revenge...
"Look at the dog!"
My God, Miraglia what the hell had you (and not to mention co-writers Fabio Pittorru and Massimo Felisatti) been drinking when you concocted this massively brilliant mess of a movie? I mean, it took longer to explain the plot than it did to watch the film.
What director today would have the audacity to have a lunatic, whore slashing inbred English aristocrat as the put upon hero?
Then cast a swarthy Italian to play him?
But as it stands the whole film is just an excuse for a variety of delisciously redheaded Eurotrash babes to get their kit off at every given oppurtunity whilst the rest of the cast wander around gaudy as fuck sets in outfits that Roger Moore's Bond wouldn't be seen dead in spouting inane dialogue with all the emotion and feeling of a bag of clothes pegs.
And really, you can't argue with that can you?
If that's not enough to convince you tho' there are some fantastically shot scenes of undesputed genius in the film as well (OK, there are two but who's counting? Oh yeah, me).
Alan’s maddening pursuit of Susie from the torture chamber to the chapel alongside Evelyn's resurrection from the dead are heart stopping moments of sheer terror that really need to be seen to be believed and the films dementedly mad plot and choppy editing actually add to the overall joy to be had from Evelyn (both before and after her rise).
Essential family viewing.
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