Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Man City 2-1 Copenhagen (agg 4-3)
 Bellamy has now scored five goals for Manchester City |
A second-half brace from Craig Bellamy helped Manchester City set up a last-16 Uefa Cup encounter with Aalborg after an effortless win over FC Copenhagen.
A strong City line-up were frustrated in the first half, with Robinho and Bellamy hitting the woodwork.
Bellamy shrugged off one defender to finish from 15 yards for his first and good work by Robinho on the left then allowed Bellamy to score from 10 yards.
Martin Vingaard finished to Shay Given's right for a consolation strike.
City were largely untroubled by the Danish visitors and manager Mark Hughes's pre-match proclamation that his City squad was big enough and strong enough to progress was proven right.
Although, in truth, the home side did not really have to flex all their muscles in a rainy Manchester against a team who are still on their winter break.
Copenhagen may have succeeded in frustrating City for the majority of the match, but it only seemed a matter of time until the home side scored.
 | 606: DEBATE JoshCDIT |
And there was perhaps no-one more deserving of two goals than the hard-working Bellamy, who was full of running and linked up well with the equally impressive Robinho.
The first half belonged to City, with Shay Given largely unemployed in the home goal.
City's chief entertainer, Robinho, went close on two occasions and was perhaps unfortunate not to have won a penalty.
In the 19th minute, he headed Bellamy's deflected shot onto the underside the crossbar and then a minute later danced past two defenders, forcing a fine save from the onrushing Jesper Christiansen.
On reflection, it seemed as if Mathias Zanka Jorgensen, who was left prostrate by Robinho as he went through, seemed to handle the ball while on the floor, but the incident was missed by referee Selcuk Dereli.
In the final minute before half-time Robinho set Bellamy free but the Welshman's scuffed shot rebounded off the corner of the far post.
City's frustrations grew as the second half progressed and, at times, they lacked a little patience in their build-up play, with Bellamy in particular being caught off-side a number of times.
Yet City continued to threaten, with Shaun Wright-Phillips wasting a great chance in the 53rd minute.
Robinho fed his fellow midfielder in the inside-right channel but, instead of shooting, Wright-Phillips slid the ball across goal for the supporting Ireland, who could not manage to get to it in time.
The much-anticipated breakthrough finally came when Ireland found Bellamy and the striker got the better of Jorgensen to coolly finish from 15 yards for his fourth goal in a Sky Blue shirt.
The majority of the 26,000 fans at Eastlands breathed a sigh of relief and City seemed to relax.
Robinho somehow missed a chance from four yards, but Bellamy clinically doubled the advantage with 11 minutes remaining.
Copenhagen responded spiritedly and Ailton should have scored from a rebound before Vingaard struck in injury time for his second of the tie.
Manchester City manager Mark Hughes:
"We were a little bit off the pace in the first half but, in the end, we won it comfortably and created a lot of chances.
"We've got a group of players who understand the demands that are going to be placed on them now and in the future.
"The expectation levels have been way ahead of any Manchester City team probably in the history of the club and we're dealing with it.
"A lot of teams have gone out by all accounts so let's see how far we can go. Further progression in a top European competition can only be good for us."
Man City: Given, Zabaleta (Elano 82), Onuoha, Dunne, Richards, Wright-Phillips, Ireland, Kompany, Bridge, Robinho, Bellamy.
Subs Not Used: Hart, Garrido, Berti, Vassell, Caicedo, Evans.
Goals: Bellamy 73, 80.
FC Copenhagen: Christiansen, Pospech, Antonsson, Jorgensen, Wendt, Kvist, Kristensen (Sionko 46), Norregaard (Vingaard 76), Hutchinson, Almeida, Ndoye (Gronkjaer 59).
Subs Not Used: Coe, Niclas Jensen, Laursen, Nordstrand.
Booked: Kristensen, Wendt.
Goals: Vingaard 90.
Att: 26,018.
Ref: Selcuk Dereli (Turkey).
Thursday, February 26, 2009
people you fancy but shouldn't (part 10)
Sally the Porsche from Cars.....it must be the sleek, yet sexy curves coupled with that doe eyed innocence and vulnerability.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
holy matrimony.
Well, it works for me (tho' I must admit to finding the post Killing Joke Babs Gordon much hotter).
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
eggs and baker.
The Mutations (AKA Doctor of Evil, The Freakmaker, The Mutation. 1974).
Dir: Jack Cardiff.
Donald Pleasence, Tom Baker, Brad Harris, Julie Ege, Michael Dunn, Scott Antony, Jill Haworth, Olga Anthony, Esther Blackmon, Hugh Bailey, Felix Duarte and Willie Ingram the pop eyed man.
Professor Nick Nolter (Pleasence) is just your average everyday science lecturer at some nameless English polytechnic splitting his time between teaching over forties who want to get better qualifications to get back into work (well from the look of the cast this seems to be the case) and conducting frankly bonkers experiments in an attempt to create a human/plant hybrid.
As you do.
But the professor needs a fresh supply of people to work on, so to this end he employs the fucked of face, scraggy haired Mr. Lynch ( Baker), a local bad man who just happens to co-own the local carnival. Lynch happily obtains young men and women for Nolter's mad experiments on the understanding that one day the professor will fix his face for him.
Anyway, back at the Restart classes, three trendy 'young' students; blonde buxom Hedi ( Ege), luscious Lauren (the bobble headed beauty Haworth star of Tower of Evil) and Tony (Antony, from Ken Russell's Savage Messiah) decide to have a word with visiting scholar and token American hunk Dr. Brian Redford (B movie lunk Harris from The Mad Butcher amongst other classics) regarding rumours they've heard about Nolter’s research.
Being a nosy bugger Redford agrees to look into it.
"Shite in mah....oh, someone already has".
Meanwhile back at the carnival, suspicions are raised at the amount of new freaks suddenly appearing on show. Lynch's partner, a pre-Simpsons Mr. Burns (Dunn) tries to calm his regular workers by saying he put an ad in the paper.
Could he be lying?
All this talk of bearded ladies and tiny men in hats is beginning to annoy Lynch tho', and when his co-workers bake him a cake it sends him into a violent (and dribbly) rage that can only be sated by a visit to a dirty, baby doll night dressed whore.
Talking a break from their investigations, our tricky trio reckon an evening at the fair taking the piss out of those less fortunate than themselves is in order and head straight for the tent of freaks.
And this, dear reader, is the reason we're watching; there's an old lady with a hairy face (looking a wee bit like a sexier Bill Oddie), a lady with really bad excema dubbed The Lizard Woman (Blackmon), a boy with no bones in his legs (no, really) non-sensationally named Frog Boy (Duarte), the bendy backed Human Pretzel (Bailey), a scarily sexy Monkey Woman and everyone's favourite, the fantastic Popeyed Jeff (Ingram) a man who can make his eyeballs pop out from their sockets.
"Eye son".
Now part of me wants to say that exploiting those born differently to what we call 'the norm' for cheap entertainment is distasteful and somewhat sickening in this more aware climate.
But fuck that, this guy can make his eyeballs buldge out of his skull! How cool is that?
Anyway, as you can probably guess Nolter's experiments get more and more freaky climaxing with poor Tony getting turned into a hideous venus flytrap/human/vagina hybrid with a taste for tramps and blondes (and trampy blondes) whilst the Professor makes a speech arguing the case for the creation of a race of super-humans and poor old Lynch is hunted down by a gang of dwarves using attack dogs.
Donald's cum face.
There's no denying that The Mutations is a bona fide classic of British exploitation cinema, what should be a crass and tasteless excuse to show differently-abled folk for cheap enjoyment is surprisingly entertaining and almost apologetic when it comes to it's subject matter.
It's mad mix of gore, girls and gro-bag induced terrors give the film a totally schizophrenic feel; the plight and humanity in the storyline regarding the (real life) freak show workers at odds with the main plot about man eating plants and a saliva slopping man with a potato stuck to his face.
The Mutantions is utterly brilliant and totally crap in equal measures.
Up the casino.
Scarily The Mutations was directed by an honest to goodness Oscar winner, Jack Cardiff (who won best cinematographer for 1948 movie Black Narcissus), showing that he had either a secret love of shlock horror or the onset of Alzheimer's - it's your choice, and it's this unsure style, coupled with his almost erotic obsession with time-lapse footage of plants growing, topless dolly birds and the real life freak show performance at the movies half way point that makes this the cinematic equivalent of drunkenly shagging your best mates mum.
It might be great at the time but with hindsight you end up feeling coyisly guilty and even a wee bit itchy from enjoying it so much.
Worth watching, but only if you're alone.
Or just very lonely.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Kareena tired of her demanding job
Her multiple brand endorsements and shooting schedules take so much of her time that Bollywood actress Kareena Kapoor is homesick and wants to take a break."Kareena feels sad about staying away from her family for so long. She is a homely person and likes to be with the family. She is tired of her tight schedules and demanding job. She has now decided that she will chalk out some quality time for her family," said a source close to Kareena.
On a recent visit to her home, Kareena caught up with her sister Karisma and both of them apparently spoke about everything under the sun.
Hurman will bounce back...
Hurman S. Baweja's "Victory" may have fared poorly at the box office, but Annees Bazmi, the director of his next film "It's My Life", is unperturbed. He says the actor would come out trumps with the light-hearted romantic film, which is a remake of Telugu superhit "Bommarillu"."Hurman is a hardworking boy and that is something we all would agree after both his films. They may not have worked, but in filmmaking there are so many factors that decide the fate of a movie at the box office. Hurman has done very well in 'It's My Life'. The audience will love his pairing with Genelia D' Souza," Bazmee told IANS.
Hurman's all three forthcoming projects are very high profile. While his immediate release is "It's My Life", it will be followed by Ashutosh Gowariker's "What's Your Rashee" where he is paired opposite Priyanka Chopra. His next would be a Sanjay Leela Bhansali project which is still untitled.
"It's My Life" is a critical project not only for Hurman, after a hat- trick of successes in the form of "Singh Is Kinng", "Welcome" and "No Entry", Bazmee too has to prove a point - that he can set the cash registers ringing even when it comes to romantic films.
"You are forgetting 'Pyaar To Hona Hi Tha'. It was a good success as well, but was there any comedy? It was a complete musical entertainer, something that I can vouch for 'It's My Life' as well. With the film, I am sure Hurman will bounce back."
Bazmee isn't too worried about recession either. According to him, it isn't really impacting the films being directed by him.
"The entire boom followed by burst was witnessed in last two-three years while I have been in the industry for 30 years. I think I can say that I have seen it all quite closely. This is why I have never been unreasonable when it comes to the budget of my films. It has always been set in a decent range; hence the price cut doesn't impact my films.
He argues that films are doing well even today.
"Look at the back-to-back success of 'Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi' and 'Ghajini'. People did go to watch them in theatres, even when all thought that post- Mumbai terror attacks, no one would venture into theatres. This means that films are doing well even today. Even 'Chandni Chowk To China' did fetch in good numbers to begin with. It's just the price which is failing," said Bazmee.
Meanwhile, the shooting of "It's My Life" will soon enter its last leg with the final schedule in Delhi, which is expected to take place soon. Bazmee is confident that this film, which also stars Nana Patekar in a key role, would be ready for release in June-July.
The film is being produced by Sanjay Kapoor.
Abhi: Sonam was a revelation
After the runaway success of Dostana, Abhishek is back in one of the most anticipated releases of the year, Rakeysh Omprakash Mehra’s Delhi 6.
Although it’s set in Delhi, just as Rakeysh’s previous mega hit Rang De Basanti was, it’s not only about the city. “Delhi 6 is a story about India. If it was set in any other Indian city, it would have had the same charm. I play a guy from New York who comes to India and discovers it,” says Abhishek.
Starring opposite Abhishek is the still-new-on-the-scene Sonam Kapoor. “Sonam was a revelation,” says Abhishek, “She’s a wonderful person and actress. She brings a fresh feel to the film. I’ve known her for a long time. She’s a great co-artiste too.”
Abhishek says Rakeysh and he were always looking for an opportunity to work together. “We were waiting for the right script,” he adds.
Then there’s Mani Ratnam, with whom Abhishek has done two films — Yuva and Guru — and has another, Ravana, in the making. Does he like working with the director? “I don’t work with Mani Ratnam; Mani Ratnam works with me,” he says as a matter-of-fact.
Rumour has it that there will be a follow-up to Drona, but Abhishek clarifies, “There is no sequel.” But he won’t say as much about the Feroz Nadiadwala-Rob Cohen Hollywood venture that his father is supposed to be part of. “Talks are still on,” is all he’ll say.
What about Aishwarya’s role in Pink Panther 2? “She was fantastic. It wasn’t just about getting a Hollywood break but about doing a movie in another language,” he says. As for whether he’s looking to head to LA, he says, “I’m happy doing good movies here. If something comes along, I’ll do it.”
So, how big a fan or critic is Ash of his films? “I always ask my family for their opinion. They give their honest views and I take them,” says Abhishek.
When asked what he feels about his marriage to Ash being followed so closely, he says, “We are public figures. It’s natural to be in the news and I’m okay with it.” Who is his fave B-town actress? “I’m married to my favourite actress,” he signs off.
Ash in Kolkata
It was during the latter half of 2003 that Mani Ratnam had gone to Kolkata to shoot for Yuva.
Five years later, the ace director is all set to shoot in Kolkata again. And the film in question this time is Raavana.
Having completed the shooting schedule in Kerala, MP and UP, the director reached Kolkata on Saturday. Shooting for Raavana will begin from February 18 and will continue till the end of this month.
Incidentally, both the Tamil and the Hindi versions of the film are being shot simultaneously. In the Hindi version, Abhishek plays the hero while Vikram plays the villain. In the Tamil version, Vikram plays the hero. Not much is known about the storyline though the buzz is that the film is a contemporary story that doesn’t have any obvious mythological connect to it.
Ash, who has been cast in both the Hindi and Tamil versions, will begin shooting in a jute mill in Agarpara. Vikram will also be shooting along with her from Wednesday. Big B will be joining the unit later this month. Apart from shooting in the jute mill and a bungalow, cinematographer Manikandan will also film certain portions on the streets of Kolkata that have a neutral character.
Recently, Raavana was in the news when Abhishek had shot for a song along with 500 dancers in Jhansi. The song, Kata Kata Mara Mara..., is reportedly the most lavish number that the director has ever shot in his career.
after the watershed.
Just come across this (snigger) in my drafts folder....pity to waste it really.
Skipped reviewing it first time round (due in part to finding it appalling) but seeing as I got it given me on DVD (plus it's recently - I say recently - aired on terrestrial Teevee) I thought I'd give it another shot.
For the love of God why?
Dead Set (2008)
Dir: Yann Demange (I'm using 'directed' in the loosest possible way).
Cast: Jaime Winstone, Andy Nyman, Kevin Eldon, Davina McCall, Riz Ahmed, Adam Deacon, Warren Brown, Beth Cordingly, Kathleen McDermott, Raj Ghatak, Chizzy Akudolu, Liz May Brice, Elyes Gabel, Shelley Conn and Krishnan Guru-Murthy.
It's an eviction night on the hit Teevee show Big Brother but the country has more important things on it's mind, there are nationwide reports of violent disturbances and riots breaking out in every major city causing the shows porn-alike, pudgy producer Patrick (Nyman, sans his horns) to stomp around swearing and insisting tomboyish tottie Kelly (square headed Winstone) fetches him coffee.
Inside the house the contestants are also swearing and arguing (as is the norm) unaware of the growing panic outside.
Taking a break from frowning and serving drinks, Kelly decides to have sweaty, tabletop sex with a co-worker in a cupboard whilst her boyfriend, Riq (Ahmed) desperately tries to ring her.
You see, he's stranded at a train station after having his car nicked by an angry mother carrying a wounded baby (or something).
Anyways, he loves Kelly and is on his way to see her.
Back in the house, harsh faced Scottish harridan Pippa (the scarily horse faced McDermott) is in the process of being evicted when the studio compound is over run by what looks like rabid tramps (tho' it's hard to tell seeing as the director has equated excitement with making the picture go all blurry).
Inside the BB house, those remaining; Marky (ex-Hollyoaks rapist Brown), Veronica (ex-dead copper from top Brit Teevee show The Bill, Cordingly), transvestite nurse Grayson (Ghatak, not playing Bruce Wayne's ward), Joplin (rubber faced comedy rat-twat, Eldon), the faceless and destined to die first Angel (Akudolu) and trendy hip type Space (the ferret-like Deacon) continue their drinking, swearing and farting, oblivious to the carnage outside.
The tramps meanwhile have broken into the studio and decided to eat the harsh faced, half woman, half crow presenter Davina (McCall, playing herself).
Which is a blessing frankly.
Kelly manages to survive the attack by running away before barricading herself inside cupboard, leaving the bloke she just shagged to a grisly fate (aw, what a romantic girl) whilst good old Patrick, in a move that would make Bruce Campbell proud, legs it out the control room (throwing various production assistants to the zombie hordes as he goes) and cowers inside the disabled toilet.
After first kicking a man in a wheelchair out of it.
What an utter bastard/genius (delete as applicable).
It's the next day and life is pretty much the same as always in the house as the housemates continue arguing over who ate the last Cheerios whilst away in the studio Kelly is still stuck sobbing in a cupboard and Patrick, feeling hungry decides to leave the relative safety of the toilets for the comfort of the green room, where alongside the flat Champagne and volovants he finds a shot to fuck (yet still incredibly horsey) Pippa.
Kelly, meanwhile manages to make it to the camera rooms that runs thru' the walls of the house (narrowly avoiding a tramp) before entering the relative safety of the diary room and banging on the door shouting (and swearing) loudly.
Rushing to the door thinking a new contestant is joining the competition, the housemates are surprised to see a female Ray Winstone (but with smaller breasts), covered in blood and brandishing a pair of nail clippers blabbering on about flesh eating tramps. Between her screeching rants she occasionally goes "Shush! there's a tramp behind the door!" before swearing again and threatening to trim someones nails.
Marky the date-raper thinks that it'd be for the best if he just opened the door to prove that it's all a big joke (if only it was) but before Kelly can swear at him any more, a blood caked zombie cameraman bursts into the house and bites Angel.
Everyone stands around screaming until Kelly beats it to death with a handy fire extinguisher.
Back in the outside world Riq is hiding out in a petrol station snacking his way thru' the Doritos when the screech of tires and sounds of gunfire alert him to the presence of a fellow survivor, the butch, yet strangely attractive Alex (Brice, better known as the luscious lesbian Pat Kerrigan in the teevee prison panto Bad Girls), who forces him, at gunpoint, to load up her car with pop, crisps and sanitary towels before offering him a lift to the coast.
After driving around for a bit (well enough time to fill in some back story) the car runs out of petrol and our dense duo, after trying to fill it up with Ribena decide to hide out in a convenient country house just up the road.
Back in the greenroom, Patrick is tired of having to shit in a bucket whilst listening to Pippa neighing and banging her hooves but any attempt to escape is thwarted by an undead (as opposed to ungodly) Davina banging her head against the door whilst screeching like a really screechy thing.
No changer there then.
After a bit more swearing, the housemates decide it'd probably be better if they put Angel in the greenhouse at the bottom of the garden so that if she does become a zombie she'll have to fight her way thru' a load of rose bushes to get to them. Grayson, being the next less developed character and token homosexual reckons that being a nurse means that he should sit with her and mop her brow whilst whispering "You'll be OK" in a really camp voice.
Kelly, Marky and Space agree (without swearing) that they need to leave the house to go find supplies (and sticking plasters for Angels bitten out throat), leading them to make a daring attempt to travel to the nearest Asda.
On arrival, Kelly and Marky head straight for the tinned peaches, Muller Corners and copies of Heat magazine whilst Space, ahem, watches the van and looks mean. Which really doesn't impress the two cockney coppers that turn up.
Being nice policemen tho' everything is going swimmingly with chat ranging from who might win Big Brother to the nasty stains you get on your shoes when shooting the undead. But all this goes tits up when Kelly and Marky run out of the supermarket with a couple of zombies chasing behind (yes, unfortunately the undead here do that shite running whilst the camera goes all wobbly thing Ala 28 Days Later).
Suffice to say there's a wee bit of drama, shooting, stealing of guns and swearing resulting in some dead coppers and a lacklustre chase scene.
Back in the greenhouse Grayson (not dressed in a red tunic and green cape) decides to untie the recently deceased Angel resulting in a swift neck munch and much blood, mortally wounded he pushes her into the swimming pool before turning undead himself and starting to lick the patio doors.
Veronica and Joplin, taking a break from swearing at each other stab Grayson in the face just as, Kelly, Marky and Space arrive with a big bag of Pot Noodles.
Boiling the kettle, Joplin makes an interesting discovery. Angel is still in the pool, ergo zombies aren't intelligent(!)
Well, it's either that or her arse is so big she can't stand up.
Kelly shoots Angel in the head before giving one of those 'we can beat this' speechies that folk always do before they get killed in stuff like this.
Riq, on the other hand has made himself at home in the deserted mansion, sipping coffee and munching Hob-obs whilst watching the Big Brother live feed on E4 (makes a change from endless Friends re-runs I guess), Alex, on the other hand, is scanning the radio frequencies for any news updates.
And listening to the Adam and Joe Show podcast.
Almost immediately (which is very quick) Alex comes across a French radio broadcast and determines that the rescue boat (what? just the one? for the whole UK? well they are French) has just left port, leaving her stuck in a big house with Riq, but just as she's about to give him the news (about the lack of rescue, she's not going to sit in the corner of the room with a cardboard box on her head going 'Hello, I'm John Humphries'.) Riq spots Kelly alive and well (yet still strangely manly) in the Big Brother house.
Deciding that he must attempt to rescue his fair maiden and win back her heart (he's either a true gentleman or he's gagging for a bit of rough) he promises to buy Alex a box of Drifters if she'll help him.
As we all know, women can't resist chocolate so she takes him to the boathouse in the garden.
How lucky is that?
Sailing down a canal and looking for all the world as if they're scouting for locations for a remake of Zombie Lake (which to be honest seemed a preferable option at this point) it's not long before Alex is attacked by a dyke.
Or should I say a zombie whilst she's fiddling with a dyke.
Anyway, Riq knowing that a bite by a dyke can turn you into one of them axes her to death.
Patrick and Pippa finally manage to kill Davina (about fucking time), leave the shit stained green room and head towards the studio control area where they use the PA System to chat with the housemates.
By chat I mean that Patrick threatens to turn all the lights of and play crappy dance music turned up to 11 all day and all night till they come and rescue him.
Kelly and Space, slowly turning into council estate versions of Peter and Fran from Dawn of the Dead, set off on a daring rescue mission.
Patrick, reckoning that having a huge porn 'tache puts him in charge and (quite sensibly) wanting to spend as little time as possible with the merry band of losers who take part in Big Brother has a cunning plan to leave the compound and head for 'the coast', using dead housemates as bait to distract the tramps. Everyone else balks at the idea and sits around swearing whilst Patrick starts hacking up bits of Grayson. All that is except Marky, who is perched on a roof with an assault rifle wishing he was in a Romero movie (or by this point possibly even a Fulci, who can tell?)
Riq by this time has finally arrived at the studio and cautiously approaches the Big Brother house to be greeted by the resident Marky's-man (see what I did there?) taking pot shots at him. Luckily the fact that the sun is shining brightly off Riq's huge brow means that Marky is dazzled long enough for Kelly to scream "It's mahhhh boyfriend! Dahn't shoot 'im!" before Marky just climbs down and beats him to death.
Re-united with his true love, Riq endears himself to Patrick by persauding the others that he's a mustachioed mentalist and should be tied up in the toilet.
Patrick disagrees, but seeing as he's covered head to toe in blood and clutching someones severed genitals they do in fact, tie him up.
In the toilet.
Veronica thinks that this isn't enough and that they should shoot him as well (just in case) which causes a huge moral debate (with swearing obviously).
Whilst all this is going on Joplin excuses himself and goes for a wee, where good old Patrick tells him that the whole country hated him (as opposed to now, where they just want to eat him) and the other housemates think he's a boring old pervert. This comes as a shock to Joplin, tho' why I have no idea, seeing as earlier he'd been tempted to crack one of whilst Veronica was having a shower but there you go, so he unties Patrick and the pair burst into the dining area and take Kelly hostage.
The moralising turns into a dirty scrap as Riq fights to save Kelly and Patrick waves a big gun about as everyone falls into the garden, the sound of stinky tramps growing ever louder....
And no-one has noticed Joplin slowly making his way to the gates with a bucket of offal....
Originally broadcast in the UK over five nights leading up to Halloween in 2008, Dead Set seemed an exciting prospect; zombie gut munching on prime time teevee written by the countries leading wit, comedy masturbater and pop culture commentator Charlie Brooker.
So what went wrong?
I was looking forward to being able to vote on who would be eaten next or a drama where intelligent zombies use the house as entertainment, fattening up the housemates before eviction; a tottering undead Davina moaning 'I'm coming to get you Barbra' as the evictee is torn limb from limb by plackard waving skeletons.
Maybe my expectations of Brooker (a self confessed zombie fan) were a little too high but I think the audience deserved more than a few reheated 'best of' scenes from Romero's Dead saga (haphazardly delivered with the aid of nausea inducing editing) stretched out over a week.
But your average viewing pleb (sorry, viewer) seemed to enjoy it so what do I know?
Well, I know enough that if you're going to have a character mention Night of the Living Dead then you might as well be post modern enough to have him follow it up by pointing out how entirely similar the situation is and play against that, not just have him forget about it then look surprised when the biting starts.
The thing is tho' that it has all the hallmarks of being a great show, not just an average one; for every shoehorned Romero reference we get a really subtle Living Dead At The Manchester Morgue one that will no doubt go straight over most folks heads yet warm the cockles of a jaded horror fan and for every crappy 28 Days Later style running zombie (that film has so much to answer for) there's a comedy undead cripple slavering from his wheelchair.
Ultimately the show seemed to be aimed at those it was parodying; the Heat reading, reality teevee obsessed, crap haired culturally unclean. You know, the types that put Jade Goody where she is today (I mean they made her famous, not gave her cancer before you start to write and complain).
If you don't believe me check the comments on the E4 website.
It's not all bad tho' (only mostly) with extra special kudos going to Andy Nyman as the fantastic Patrick, the kind of cynical bastard that would only be as likeable as he is in a good, old fashioned British drama. He might have been a total arsehole but he was the only person able to see the gravity of the whole situation and be true enough to do what was needed, and I for one was rooting for him. His scenes alongside Kathleen McDermott were worth tuning in for alone and would have quite happily watched the pair of them arguing in a cupboard for five consecutive nights.
With or without zombies.
But more likely without.
The rest of the cast did a fair job to flesh out their characters beyond just swearing ciphers (some managed it better than others) but director Yann (director of the missing penis comedy Incomplete and a couple of episodes of Secret Diary of a Call Girl) Demange's (over) use of drab filters and the aforementioned shaky-cam killed any tension quicker than a bullet to the head.
I mean it's hard to feel involved when you can't see what's going on then when you do struggle to get the full picture you realise you've seen it all before.
For the love of God why?
Dead Set (2008)
Dir: Yann Demange (I'm using 'directed' in the loosest possible way).
Cast: Jaime Winstone, Andy Nyman, Kevin Eldon, Davina McCall, Riz Ahmed, Adam Deacon, Warren Brown, Beth Cordingly, Kathleen McDermott, Raj Ghatak, Chizzy Akudolu, Liz May Brice, Elyes Gabel, Shelley Conn and Krishnan Guru-Murthy.
Seven and the ragged tiger.
It's an eviction night on the hit Teevee show Big Brother but the country has more important things on it's mind, there are nationwide reports of violent disturbances and riots breaking out in every major city causing the shows porn-alike, pudgy producer Patrick (Nyman, sans his horns) to stomp around swearing and insisting tomboyish tottie Kelly (square headed Winstone) fetches him coffee.
Inside the house the contestants are also swearing and arguing (as is the norm) unaware of the growing panic outside.
Taking a break from frowning and serving drinks, Kelly decides to have sweaty, tabletop sex with a co-worker in a cupboard whilst her boyfriend, Riq (Ahmed) desperately tries to ring her.
You see, he's stranded at a train station after having his car nicked by an angry mother carrying a wounded baby (or something).
Anyways, he loves Kelly and is on his way to see her.
Back in the house, harsh faced Scottish harridan Pippa (the scarily horse faced McDermott) is in the process of being evicted when the studio compound is over run by what looks like rabid tramps (tho' it's hard to tell seeing as the director has equated excitement with making the picture go all blurry).
Inside the BB house, those remaining; Marky (ex-Hollyoaks rapist Brown), Veronica (ex-dead copper from top Brit Teevee show The Bill, Cordingly), transvestite nurse Grayson (Ghatak, not playing Bruce Wayne's ward), Joplin (rubber faced comedy rat-twat, Eldon), the faceless and destined to die first Angel (Akudolu) and trendy hip type Space (the ferret-like Deacon) continue their drinking, swearing and farting, oblivious to the carnage outside.
"Fuck me....a wasp!"
The tramps meanwhile have broken into the studio and decided to eat the harsh faced, half woman, half crow presenter Davina (McCall, playing herself).
Which is a blessing frankly.
Kelly manages to survive the attack by running away before barricading herself inside cupboard, leaving the bloke she just shagged to a grisly fate (aw, what a romantic girl) whilst good old Patrick, in a move that would make Bruce Campbell proud, legs it out the control room (throwing various production assistants to the zombie hordes as he goes) and cowers inside the disabled toilet.
After first kicking a man in a wheelchair out of it.
What an utter bastard/genius (delete as applicable).
It's the next day and life is pretty much the same as always in the house as the housemates continue arguing over who ate the last Cheerios whilst away in the studio Kelly is still stuck sobbing in a cupboard and Patrick, feeling hungry decides to leave the relative safety of the toilets for the comfort of the green room, where alongside the flat Champagne and volovants he finds a shot to fuck (yet still incredibly horsey) Pippa.
Pippa: A mooth made for shite-in (in).
Kelly, meanwhile manages to make it to the camera rooms that runs thru' the walls of the house (narrowly avoiding a tramp) before entering the relative safety of the diary room and banging on the door shouting (and swearing) loudly.
Rushing to the door thinking a new contestant is joining the competition, the housemates are surprised to see a female Ray Winstone (but with smaller breasts), covered in blood and brandishing a pair of nail clippers blabbering on about flesh eating tramps. Between her screeching rants she occasionally goes "Shush! there's a tramp behind the door!" before swearing again and threatening to trim someones nails.
Davina: Oniony smells.
Marky the date-raper thinks that it'd be for the best if he just opened the door to prove that it's all a big joke (if only it was) but before Kelly can swear at him any more, a blood caked zombie cameraman bursts into the house and bites Angel.
Everyone stands around screaming until Kelly beats it to death with a handy fire extinguisher.
Back in the outside world Riq is hiding out in a petrol station snacking his way thru' the Doritos when the screech of tires and sounds of gunfire alert him to the presence of a fellow survivor, the butch, yet strangely attractive Alex (Brice, better known as the luscious lesbian Pat Kerrigan in the teevee prison panto Bad Girls), who forces him, at gunpoint, to load up her car with pop, crisps and sanitary towels before offering him a lift to the coast.
After driving around for a bit (well enough time to fill in some back story) the car runs out of petrol and our dense duo, after trying to fill it up with Ribena decide to hide out in a convenient country house just up the road.
Back in the greenroom, Patrick is tired of having to shit in a bucket whilst listening to Pippa neighing and banging her hooves but any attempt to escape is thwarted by an undead (as opposed to ungodly) Davina banging her head against the door whilst screeching like a really screechy thing.
No changer there then.
Insert cock here.
After a bit more swearing, the housemates decide it'd probably be better if they put Angel in the greenhouse at the bottom of the garden so that if she does become a zombie she'll have to fight her way thru' a load of rose bushes to get to them. Grayson, being the next less developed character and token homosexual reckons that being a nurse means that he should sit with her and mop her brow whilst whispering "You'll be OK" in a really camp voice.
Kelly, Marky and Space agree (without swearing) that they need to leave the house to go find supplies (and sticking plasters for Angels bitten out throat), leading them to make a daring attempt to travel to the nearest Asda.
On arrival, Kelly and Marky head straight for the tinned peaches, Muller Corners and copies of Heat magazine whilst Space, ahem, watches the van and looks mean. Which really doesn't impress the two cockney coppers that turn up.
Being nice policemen tho' everything is going swimmingly with chat ranging from who might win Big Brother to the nasty stains you get on your shoes when shooting the undead. But all this goes tits up when Kelly and Marky run out of the supermarket with a couple of zombies chasing behind (yes, unfortunately the undead here do that shite running whilst the camera goes all wobbly thing Ala 28 Days Later).
Suffice to say there's a wee bit of drama, shooting, stealing of guns and swearing resulting in some dead coppers and a lacklustre chase scene.
"Housemates, you've failed your task of doing
anything new or unique with the zombie genre....
so now you have to rape a turkey."
anything new or unique with the zombie genre....
so now you have to rape a turkey."
Back in the greenhouse Grayson (not dressed in a red tunic and green cape) decides to untie the recently deceased Angel resulting in a swift neck munch and much blood, mortally wounded he pushes her into the swimming pool before turning undead himself and starting to lick the patio doors.
Veronica and Joplin, taking a break from swearing at each other stab Grayson in the face just as, Kelly, Marky and Space arrive with a big bag of Pot Noodles.
Boiling the kettle, Joplin makes an interesting discovery. Angel is still in the pool, ergo zombies aren't intelligent(!)
Well, it's either that or her arse is so big she can't stand up.
Kelly shoots Angel in the head before giving one of those 'we can beat this' speechies that folk always do before they get killed in stuff like this.
Liz May Brice indulges in a wee bit of lesbianism.
Unfortunately not in this show.
Unfortunately not in this show.
Riq, on the other hand has made himself at home in the deserted mansion, sipping coffee and munching Hob-obs whilst watching the Big Brother live feed on E4 (makes a change from endless Friends re-runs I guess), Alex, on the other hand, is scanning the radio frequencies for any news updates.
And listening to the Adam and Joe Show podcast.
Almost immediately (which is very quick) Alex comes across a French radio broadcast and determines that the rescue boat (what? just the one? for the whole UK? well they are French) has just left port, leaving her stuck in a big house with Riq, but just as she's about to give him the news (about the lack of rescue, she's not going to sit in the corner of the room with a cardboard box on her head going 'Hello, I'm John Humphries'.) Riq spots Kelly alive and well (yet still strangely manly) in the Big Brother house.
Deciding that he must attempt to rescue his fair maiden and win back her heart (he's either a true gentleman or he's gagging for a bit of rough) he promises to buy Alex a box of Drifters if she'll help him.
As we all know, women can't resist chocolate so she takes him to the boathouse in the garden.
How lucky is that?
Adam and Joe: 'Steven!'
Sailing down a canal and looking for all the world as if they're scouting for locations for a remake of Zombie Lake (which to be honest seemed a preferable option at this point) it's not long before Alex is attacked by a dyke.
Or should I say a zombie whilst she's fiddling with a dyke.
Anyway, Riq knowing that a bite by a dyke can turn you into one of them axes her to death.
Patrick and Pippa finally manage to kill Davina (about fucking time), leave the shit stained green room and head towards the studio control area where they use the PA System to chat with the housemates.
By chat I mean that Patrick threatens to turn all the lights of and play crappy dance music turned up to 11 all day and all night till they come and rescue him.
Kelly and Space, slowly turning into council estate versions of Peter and Fran from Dawn of the Dead, set off on a daring rescue mission.
Nyman: horn.
Patrick, reckoning that having a huge porn 'tache puts him in charge and (quite sensibly) wanting to spend as little time as possible with the merry band of losers who take part in Big Brother has a cunning plan to leave the compound and head for 'the coast', using dead housemates as bait to distract the tramps. Everyone else balks at the idea and sits around swearing whilst Patrick starts hacking up bits of Grayson. All that is except Marky, who is perched on a roof with an assault rifle wishing he was in a Romero movie (or by this point possibly even a Fulci, who can tell?)
Riq by this time has finally arrived at the studio and cautiously approaches the Big Brother house to be greeted by the resident Marky's-man (see what I did there?) taking pot shots at him. Luckily the fact that the sun is shining brightly off Riq's huge brow means that Marky is dazzled long enough for Kelly to scream "It's mahhhh boyfriend! Dahn't shoot 'im!" before Marky just climbs down and beats him to death.
Re-united with his true love, Riq endears himself to Patrick by persauding the others that he's a mustachioed mentalist and should be tied up in the toilet.
Patrick disagrees, but seeing as he's covered head to toe in blood and clutching someones severed genitals they do in fact, tie him up.
In the toilet.
McCall: Nice flat tummy,
face of utter fuckness.
face of utter fuckness.
Veronica thinks that this isn't enough and that they should shoot him as well (just in case) which causes a huge moral debate (with swearing obviously).
Whilst all this is going on Joplin excuses himself and goes for a wee, where good old Patrick tells him that the whole country hated him (as opposed to now, where they just want to eat him) and the other housemates think he's a boring old pervert. This comes as a shock to Joplin, tho' why I have no idea, seeing as earlier he'd been tempted to crack one of whilst Veronica was having a shower but there you go, so he unties Patrick and the pair burst into the dining area and take Kelly hostage.
The moralising turns into a dirty scrap as Riq fights to save Kelly and Patrick waves a big gun about as everyone falls into the garden, the sound of stinky tramps growing ever louder....
And no-one has noticed Joplin slowly making his way to the gates with a bucket of offal....
Brooker: Zombie obsessed, gurning man child.
Originally broadcast in the UK over five nights leading up to Halloween in 2008, Dead Set seemed an exciting prospect; zombie gut munching on prime time teevee written by the countries leading wit, comedy masturbater and pop culture commentator Charlie Brooker.
So what went wrong?
I was looking forward to being able to vote on who would be eaten next or a drama where intelligent zombies use the house as entertainment, fattening up the housemates before eviction; a tottering undead Davina moaning 'I'm coming to get you Barbra' as the evictee is torn limb from limb by plackard waving skeletons.
Maybe my expectations of Brooker (a self confessed zombie fan) were a little too high but I think the audience deserved more than a few reheated 'best of' scenes from Romero's Dead saga (haphazardly delivered with the aid of nausea inducing editing) stretched out over a week.
But your average viewing pleb (sorry, viewer) seemed to enjoy it so what do I know?
Well, I know enough that if you're going to have a character mention Night of the Living Dead then you might as well be post modern enough to have him follow it up by pointing out how entirely similar the situation is and play against that, not just have him forget about it then look surprised when the biting starts.
The thing is tho' that it has all the hallmarks of being a great show, not just an average one; for every shoehorned Romero reference we get a really subtle Living Dead At The Manchester Morgue one that will no doubt go straight over most folks heads yet warm the cockles of a jaded horror fan and for every crappy 28 Days Later style running zombie (that film has so much to answer for) there's a comedy undead cripple slavering from his wheelchair.
Art or arse? YOU decide!
Ultimately the show seemed to be aimed at those it was parodying; the Heat reading, reality teevee obsessed, crap haired culturally unclean. You know, the types that put Jade Goody where she is today (I mean they made her famous, not gave her cancer before you start to write and complain).
If you don't believe me check the comments on the E4 website.
It's not all bad tho' (only mostly) with extra special kudos going to Andy Nyman as the fantastic Patrick, the kind of cynical bastard that would only be as likeable as he is in a good, old fashioned British drama. He might have been a total arsehole but he was the only person able to see the gravity of the whole situation and be true enough to do what was needed, and I for one was rooting for him. His scenes alongside Kathleen McDermott were worth tuning in for alone and would have quite happily watched the pair of them arguing in a cupboard for five consecutive nights.
With or without zombies.
But more likely without.
The rest of the cast did a fair job to flesh out their characters beyond just swearing ciphers (some managed it better than others) but director Yann (director of the missing penis comedy Incomplete and a couple of episodes of Secret Diary of a Call Girl) Demange's (over) use of drab filters and the aforementioned shaky-cam killed any tension quicker than a bullet to the head.
I mean it's hard to feel involved when you can't see what's going on then when you do struggle to get the full picture you realise you've seen it all before.
Which is a pity really.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
loveless.
It's Valentines Day....what review could I possibly bung up as an outrageous tie in (and that I've just got the special edition of)?
My Bloody Valentine (1981).
Dir: George Mihalka
Cast: Paul Kelman, Lori Hallier, Neil Affleck, Keith Knight, Larry Reynolds, Patricia Hamilton, Alf Humphreys, Cynthia Dale, Helene Udy, Rob Stein, Tom Kovacs, Don Francks and Peter Cowper.
February the 14th, 1960, and the small mining town of Valentine Bluffs is having its annual Valentine's Day dance; a tradition that the townsfolk have followed for the past century.
Everyone is frugging away to hit pop tunes and tanking the local home brew save for five miners still digging away at the coalface and their two supervisors who, feeling particulary frisky and not wanting to have gotten dressed up for nothing, decide to leave for the party whilst their colleges are still underground.
I mean it's not like anything could go wrong is it?
Well, nothing except a huge explosion caused by a build up of methane gas (see? who says films aren't educational?) leaving the five miners buried alive (and more importantly, late for their dates).
After hours of digging (thru' rock, not the 1960's fashions) the towns rescue workers finally reach the trapped men. Unfortunately all except Harry Warden (the films stunt coordinator Cowper) are dead.
And poor old Harry has gone a wee bit mental because of the ordeal, so the local townsfolk cart him off to the Shady Nook rest home for a while.
You can see why tho', you really don't want some dirt covered, piss stained fella crying about his dead buddies when you're trying to get into the vicars daughters undies do you?
After spending a year sitting in a pair of toweling pajamas and staring into space whilst dribbling Harry is deemed fit for release and is sent home on the eve of the accident that sent him mental in the first place.
Which is nice of the doctors to take this into consideration when thinking about discharging him.
It should come as no surprise then to find out that the first thing he does on arrival is butcher the two supervisors who left their post early to go dancing and leave a chilling warning for the townsfolk that if they even think about having another Valentine's Day dance, he'll return once again to take bloody revenge on the town.
Which is a little extreme don't you think?
Jump forward to 1980 and, whilst the mine is still the town's main place of employment, there hasn't been a single dance or party held in town since that terrible night in 1960.
That is, until now.
You see, lovely old lady Mabel Osborne (Hamilton, star of The Fenn Street Gang and Upstairs, Downstairs - no, really) has decided that the town needs something to look forward and to forget about the mine disaster and wacky Warden.
To this end she spends her every waking hour decorating the town with Valentine's Day decorations whilst the younger residents begin to get all excited at the prospect of a night of dancing, drinking and shagging in bushes.
Bless.
As Valentine's Day draws ever nearer the town's Mayor, Jeff Hanniger (Reynolds, better known as Judge Burton from the hit teevee show Street Legal) wakes to find a resh human heart wrapped in a lovely Valentine's Day packaging has been popped thru' his letter box.
Which at least shows that the town has a damn good postal service, I mean I'm still waiting on a box of blank DVD's after three weeks.
Attached to the box is a warning to expect a few more killings if the town decides to go ahead and celebrate Valentine's Day.
If this wasn't enough of a warning the mysterious messenger has murdered poor Mabel as well, just to show he means business.
Hanniger calls off the dance, getting local police chief Jake Newby (Francks, the voice of Sabretooth in the X-Men vs. Street Fighter video game no less) to tell everyone that Mabel fell down the stairs and that it's being cancelled as a sign of respect.
But the hotheaded (yet deep) miner (and son of the town's mayor) Jessie 'TJ' Hanniger (Ryan O'Neill alike, bollock squashing jeans wearing Kelman), recently returned home after failing to make it as an exotic dancer in the big city, desperate for a drink and gagging for some of the sex of his ex-girlfriend Sarah (blond, sensible underwired bra wearing teevee stalwart Hallier) decides to throw his own special Valentine's party down in the mine itself.
You can tell that beneath his rough exterior that he's a nice guy tho' because along with Sarah and all the other hip young miners he's also invited Sarah's current beau, the uber-cool Axel (Affleck, better known these days as an animation timer on The Simpsons).
Well, it's either that or he fancies a Sarah Spit roast.
But can you guess who's already down the mine waiting for the young uns to turn up?
Yup it's horrid Harry Warden, all decked up in Kwik Fit garage overalls and a handy gas mask ready to slice n' dice his way thru' anyone who even remotely looks like they may start jiving or cutting a rug as the young folk say.
Unfortunately a couple of the miners and their girlfriends have decided to start the party early and head down into the mine for a little tour (and some kissing and stuff), giving Harry a head start to his killing spree and the chance to stick something unexpected into the ladies.
When Jessie and co. finally arrive to discover a pile of corpses they begin to realize that Warden is indeed back for vengeance.
Trapped in the mine with only a six pack of Bud and the homicidal Harry chasing them with a rusty pick axe, the remaining party goers must try and escape before they too end up having a very bloody Valentine....
George Mihalka's My Bloody Valentine is probably more famous for what it was missing rather than what appeared on screen, as nervous Paramount execs decided to gut the film of any and every gore scene before it's release way back in 1981.
Despite this the movie still stands up as a competent (if slightly pedestrian) little shocker with an interestingly dressed villain and slightly more rounded than usual characters, taking an essentially cheesy premise yet playing it totally straight.
Luckily some smart Alec decided to remake My Bloody Valentine as a high concept 3-D shocker (the rights must of been cheap) so, suddenly all that missing footage has turned up and been quickly re-instated allowing for the directors original vision to finally be seen as intended.
Or to make a few extra bob of those punters too young to remember the original.
And what a difference it makes.
Adding an extra dimension to the manic miners reign of bloody terror, the scratchy footage (it's been stuck in the directors loft for 28 years so what do you expect?) gives a much missed air of evil nastiness to Wardens revenge, making you wonder why this gas masked gimp was never taken to the audiences hearts as so many other slasher stars of the era were.
Competently acted, nicely shot and directed with a steady, workman-like hand (obviously the rest of George's body was OK too), My Bloody Valentine deserves a wider appeal.
Hopefully the kids'll give it the chance it deserves.
My Bloody Valentine (1981).
Dir: George Mihalka
Cast: Paul Kelman, Lori Hallier, Neil Affleck, Keith Knight, Larry Reynolds, Patricia Hamilton, Alf Humphreys, Cynthia Dale, Helene Udy, Rob Stein, Tom Kovacs, Don Francks and Peter Cowper.
My Bloody Valentine, fucking awful Photoshop.
"Chief, listen to me. You have to go to the mine! We were having a party and Harry Warden started killing everybody!"
February the 14th, 1960, and the small mining town of Valentine Bluffs is having its annual Valentine's Day dance; a tradition that the townsfolk have followed for the past century.
Everyone is frugging away to hit pop tunes and tanking the local home brew save for five miners still digging away at the coalface and their two supervisors who, feeling particulary frisky and not wanting to have gotten dressed up for nothing, decide to leave for the party whilst their colleges are still underground.
I mean it's not like anything could go wrong is it?
Well, nothing except a huge explosion caused by a build up of methane gas (see? who says films aren't educational?) leaving the five miners buried alive (and more importantly, late for their dates).
After hours of digging (thru' rock, not the 1960's fashions) the towns rescue workers finally reach the trapped men. Unfortunately all except Harry Warden (the films stunt coordinator Cowper) are dead.
And poor old Harry has gone a wee bit mental because of the ordeal, so the local townsfolk cart him off to the Shady Nook rest home for a while.
You can see why tho', you really don't want some dirt covered, piss stained fella crying about his dead buddies when you're trying to get into the vicars daughters undies do you?
"Can you smell cabbage?"
After spending a year sitting in a pair of toweling pajamas and staring into space whilst dribbling Harry is deemed fit for release and is sent home on the eve of the accident that sent him mental in the first place.
Which is nice of the doctors to take this into consideration when thinking about discharging him.
It should come as no surprise then to find out that the first thing he does on arrival is butcher the two supervisors who left their post early to go dancing and leave a chilling warning for the townsfolk that if they even think about having another Valentine's Day dance, he'll return once again to take bloody revenge on the town.
Which is a little extreme don't you think?
Jump forward to 1980 and, whilst the mine is still the town's main place of employment, there hasn't been a single dance or party held in town since that terrible night in 1960.
That is, until now.
You see, lovely old lady Mabel Osborne (Hamilton, star of The Fenn Street Gang and Upstairs, Downstairs - no, really) has decided that the town needs something to look forward and to forget about the mine disaster and wacky Warden.
To this end she spends her every waking hour decorating the town with Valentine's Day decorations whilst the younger residents begin to get all excited at the prospect of a night of dancing, drinking and shagging in bushes.
Bless.
As Valentine's Day draws ever nearer the town's Mayor, Jeff Hanniger (Reynolds, better known as Judge Burton from the hit teevee show Street Legal) wakes to find a resh human heart wrapped in a lovely Valentine's Day packaging has been popped thru' his letter box.
Which at least shows that the town has a damn good postal service, I mean I'm still waiting on a box of blank DVD's after three weeks.
Attached to the box is a warning to expect a few more killings if the town decides to go ahead and celebrate Valentine's Day.
Heart in mah box!
If this wasn't enough of a warning the mysterious messenger has murdered poor Mabel as well, just to show he means business.
Hanniger calls off the dance, getting local police chief Jake Newby (Francks, the voice of Sabretooth in the X-Men vs. Street Fighter video game no less) to tell everyone that Mabel fell down the stairs and that it's being cancelled as a sign of respect.
But the hotheaded (yet deep) miner (and son of the town's mayor) Jessie 'TJ' Hanniger (Ryan O'Neill alike, bollock squashing jeans wearing Kelman), recently returned home after failing to make it as an exotic dancer in the big city, desperate for a drink and gagging for some of the sex of his ex-girlfriend Sarah (blond, sensible underwired bra wearing teevee stalwart Hallier) decides to throw his own special Valentine's party down in the mine itself.
You can tell that beneath his rough exterior that he's a nice guy tho' because along with Sarah and all the other hip young miners he's also invited Sarah's current beau, the uber-cool Axel (Affleck, better known these days as an animation timer on The Simpsons).
Well, it's either that or he fancies a Sarah Spit roast.
All set for a wee bit o' mooth shite-in.
But can you guess who's already down the mine waiting for the young uns to turn up?
Yup it's horrid Harry Warden, all decked up in Kwik Fit garage overalls and a handy gas mask ready to slice n' dice his way thru' anyone who even remotely looks like they may start jiving or cutting a rug as the young folk say.
Unfortunately a couple of the miners and their girlfriends have decided to start the party early and head down into the mine for a little tour (and some kissing and stuff), giving Harry a head start to his killing spree and the chance to stick something unexpected into the ladies.
When Jessie and co. finally arrive to discover a pile of corpses they begin to realize that Warden is indeed back for vengeance.
Trapped in the mine with only a six pack of Bud and the homicidal Harry chasing them with a rusty pick axe, the remaining party goers must try and escape before they too end up having a very bloody Valentine....
"Are you my Mummy?"
George Mihalka's My Bloody Valentine is probably more famous for what it was missing rather than what appeared on screen, as nervous Paramount execs decided to gut the film of any and every gore scene before it's release way back in 1981.
Despite this the movie still stands up as a competent (if slightly pedestrian) little shocker with an interestingly dressed villain and slightly more rounded than usual characters, taking an essentially cheesy premise yet playing it totally straight.
Chin.
Luckily some smart Alec decided to remake My Bloody Valentine as a high concept 3-D shocker (the rights must of been cheap) so, suddenly all that missing footage has turned up and been quickly re-instated allowing for the directors original vision to finally be seen as intended.
Or to make a few extra bob of those punters too young to remember the original.
Up the casino. Yesch.
And what a difference it makes.
Adding an extra dimension to the manic miners reign of bloody terror, the scratchy footage (it's been stuck in the directors loft for 28 years so what do you expect?) gives a much missed air of evil nastiness to Wardens revenge, making you wonder why this gas masked gimp was never taken to the audiences hearts as so many other slasher stars of the era were.
Hel-met.
Competently acted, nicely shot and directed with a steady, workman-like hand (obviously the rest of George's body was OK too), My Bloody Valentine deserves a wider appeal.
Hopefully the kids'll give it the chance it deserves.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)