Never mind I thought, It'd be a pity not to share....
Adventures of a Taxi Driver (1976)
Dir: Stanley Long
Star: Barry Evans, Judy Geeson, Adrienne Posta, Robert Lindsay, Liz Fraser, Diana Dors, Anna Bergman, Stephen Lewis, Ian Lavender, Henry McGee, Stephen Riddle, Brian Wilde, David Auker, Angela Scoular and Beatrice Shaw.
The place: London, the time: the really unfashionable bit of the seventies. Greasy haired, bowl cutted Joe North (Evans) is a busty burd obsessed (not a busty burd himself, obviously) taxi driver who uses his cab as an impromptu shag palace to get away from his mundane everyday existence, from ditzy dollies to frustrated, saggy boobed bored housewives, every woman he meets seem to fall for his lost little boy charms.
We first experience his uncanny (some would say ungodly) luck first hand when one of his passengers asks to be dropped off on a bridge so she can jump off.
She's heartbroken, the poor lamb.
Being a nice guy Joe convinces her not to throw herself to her doom and drives her back home (probably after leaving the meter running and charging her extra tho' - you know what cabbies are like) where she unsurprisingly (to us that is) takes off all her clothes and jumps on our crap Casanova.
Suffice to say that just as they're about to get down and get with it (luckily for the viewer not before we've seen Evan's pale, shriveled penis), her boyfriend turns up unexpectedly leaving Joe no choice but to climb out of the window and leg it to his cab stark bollock naked!
He needn't have bother tho', turns out that this blokes missis is a raving nymphomaniac and uses the old suicide trick to pick up fellas all time.
Hi-fucking-larious I'm sure you'll agree.
"Oh no! It's John Leslie!"
The good thing is that all this sex helps take Joe's mind of his hellish home life, dominated by his moaning (but not in that way) peroxide headed mother (Dors....who wouldn't want to be dominated by her?...well not now obviously), arguing with his spotty teenage brother and his clingy, marriage obsessed girlfriend Carol (the ball-faced, bewigged Posta, who also performs the films theme song 'Cruising Casanova') but Joe finds himself at breaking point and decides to move in with his best mate Tom (Lindsay).
Cue even more amusing sexual shenanigans.
"Excuse me, you've shut my cock in the door".
Over the next forty five minutes we're treated (in much the same way as you treat syphilis) to a veritable comedic tsunami of sexual hi-jinks featuring faceless seventies totty and a hilarious escapade with Joe's pet python named....wait for it.....Monty.
Oh. My. Aching. Sides.
"Is that a snake in your pocket or is it just
that your cock is particularly scaly and flexible?"
that your cock is particularly scaly and flexible?"
If this wasn't enough to get your pulse racing, down on her luck former Bond girl (and pube haired temptress) Scoular gets her kit of in possibly the film’s most amusing moment (and that's not saying much) when her geeky accountant husband, who has unexpectedly come home early, surprisingly fails to notice that Joe is lying underneath his wife in a soapy bath!
Scoular: pube haired but still lustable.
Add to this the wonderful Judy (Inseminoid) Geeson playing a stripper (who scarily keeps her clothes on throughout), the comedy gem of Joe mistakenly picking up a trannie and the bizarre last third of the film which forgoes any shagging to concerntrate on Joe getting involved in a jewelery heist gone wrong and you have a movie to challenge Sex Lives of The Potato Men in the charm stakes.
Yes, it really is that good.
Watch out! it's Leslie Grantham.
So what else is there to say about this movie?
Well, Stanley Long's direction is, um, well it's in focus and he makes sure the camera doesn't wander off at the boring bits, whilst the 'script' co-written by Suzanne (Groupie Girl) Mercer from an idea by Long is simplistic at best, cliched and predictable at worst.
Cast wise, the late (almost great) Barry (Mind Your Language) Evans is fresh faced and agreeably cocky enough to worm his way into the audiences affections whilst Robert (Citizen Smith) Lindsay and Judy Geeson give sterling support as his best pal and best pals missis respectively.
The film also boasts a plethora of cameo's from some British comedy legends including Diana Dors, Liz (the one that wasn't in The Cocteau Twins) Fraser, Ian (Dads Army) Lavender, Stephen (On The Buses) Lewis and Brian (Last of The Summer Wine) Wilde.
Liz Fraser: The one that doesn't get
her tits out in British smut movies.
Pity.
her tits out in British smut movies.
Pity.
Being kind tho' the films tiny (£130,000) budget is put to good use shooting in and around London (that's in England, Europe for any Americans reading) mostly without official permits which gives it a grittier edge than it's more famous Confessions cousins.
It's just a pity the film as a whole doesn't live up to it's guerrilla origins.
Worth a look if you like smut of a not too rude kind.
Or have a thing for huge seventies pants.
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