don't cry for me argentina.

Sadomaster (2005)

Dir: Germán Magariños and Fernando Giangiacomo

Cast: Ezequiel Hansen, Leandro De la Torre, Francisco Pérez Laguna, Mariano Salas and Fernando Giangiacomo.

Asses and Nazi's.....pity there's
no dwarf action too.

Sunny Argentina is being destroyed from within by a particularly nasty bout of ultra-violence.

Nasty Nazi gangs are roaming the streets setting fire to tramps and molesting (leathery) old ladies and only senator Mauricio Beccar Varela (Laguna...like it matters) is man enough to tackle this onslaught of badness by implementing a zero tolerance of naughtiness campaign .

Unfortunately for the people of Argentina Varela leads a double life, by day his a kinda South American David Cameron but by night he is, in fact the evil ring leader of the Nazi gang responsible for the violence (Hang on, that's just David Cameron anyway).

"Are you my mummy?"

The violence goes from bad to worse, what with a defenseless Rabbi beaten to death by a group of junior Slip Knot wannabes and a leather clad perv who gets his kicks by urinating on babies it looks like the city is doomed.

What will it take for someone to take a stand against these rotters?

Surprisingly the answer to that question is actually quite simple, it take the brutal, drawn out torture and rape of a chubby, topless retarded man.

All in glorious close-up.

Lucky, lucky us.

The mutilated body is later discovered by a pissed homeless man walking down the street and looking for a wee bite to eat and, seeing the carnage in the gutter he proceeds to help himself to a spleen (they're full of vitamin C apparently).

Not a still from the film
(to be honest there are precious few I can show)
but a photo of some Pikey kids dogging school
(possibly to actually go dogging - who knows? )
and giving the vickies to the camera.

But as our stinky chum chows down a spooky pentagram begins to flash on the screen and the ghost of the dead chubby (as in dead and chubby, tho' he is actually dead chubby too) man appears from nowhere screaming “Kill them! Kill them! Kill them!”

Reckoning that becoming a black clad vigilante is probably a better career choice that rummaging thru' the bins, the homeless guy fashions himself a homemade gimp outfit and christens himself the Sadomaster before beginning a brutal series of revenge attacks against the gangs and the corrupt politicians.

A still from the aborted The Famous
Five/Frank Castle team-up.

Making up for his stinky fish breath lack of super powers and the fact that he rides a really crap moped by being generally hard as nails, The Sadomaster soon has the evil Nazi's on the run.

But things are probably going to get a lot worse (acting and plotwise) before they get better...

I say probably because by this point I gave up and went to bed. I mean there comes a point when you have to ask yourself is it really worth sitting up late at night feverishly scribbling notes on a film only myself (and possibly Julian Brazier will ever see) as a fat, sweaty Argentinian non-actor grinning like a loon in an attempt to appear to have learning difficulties has a huge rubber cock forced into his mouth in the background?

The final decision was made for me tho' when I caught sight of the pristine and vac sealed uncut copy of the Joe D'Amato classic Porno Holocaust hiding under a pile of Peppa Pig DVD's on my desk.

I mean who wants to watch such mindless and inept shaky cam rubbish as Sadomaster when you know that only a few feet away Mark Shanon's warty scrotum is awaiting your attention in all it's remastered wide screen glory?

Your nan on the phone yesterday.

Costing less than a McDonalds happy meal (and managing to be far less appetizing) this lo-fi revenge flik from the aptly titled Gorevision Films is the kind of movie that the self proclaimed art crowd will muse over for years to come whilst your connoisseur of cult movies (and no doubt all you fine readers here) will (hopefully) see it for the tragically un-hip Mad Foxes rip-off that it really is.

Gore, breasts, mouth-rape, evil Nazi's
and political commentary....



...or Mark Shannon's warty balls...
YOU decide!

Unfortunately Sadomaster was a big enough hit in Argentina to allow Magariños and Giangiacomo to continue making 'films', with their next opus Un Cazador de Zombis currently shooting back to back with an English language version of the same movie.

And I for one can't wait.

Can I just point out that to my many American readers the last bit was what we term irony, or put it this way; for can't wait I mean I hope their studio (and faces) burn down.

Now where are those genital warts....