Dir: Jesus Franco (probably, well the majority of it, as A.M. Frank)
Cast: Manuel Gélin, Eduardo Fajardo, Henri Lambert, Myriam Landson, Antonio Mayans, Eric Viellard, Javier Maiza, Albino Graziani, Miguel Aristu, Doris Regina, Caroline Audret, and France Lomay (but not Lina Romay-well not in this version).
"Quick, get some bottles to make Molotov cocktails with like in school".
From the writer (and original director) of Zombie Lake comes Oasis of the Zombies, possibly the second best Nazi zombie movie ever made.
Enjoy.
I know I did.
Our tale of terror opens with two ample arsed and tres foxy ladies (well from the back) have taken a trip from sunny Tripoli to visit a haunted oasis in the middle of the desert, as one would on holiday.
At least it's somewhere to park your bike.
The locals have been filing the girls heads with all sorts of scary stories about the oasis and how it's haunted by the restless spirits of murdered Nazi soldiers and the ladies, probably thinking that undead baby killers are less likely to try it on with them at the local disco than the greasy moustachioed natives decide to go take a look for themselves.
It comes as no surprise (to us that is, they seem visibly shocked) when they're dragged beneath the sands to their deaths by moldy bread-like hands....
"Laugh noooooooooo!!!"
Cut to rugged, porn 'tached Colonel Kurt Maitzell (Lambert) and his sexy chain smoking and oh so slightly stern wife (Landson) on vacation in Tripoli to catch up with one of his oldest military acquaintances, the stiff (upper lipped) Captain Robert Blabert Sr. (Maiza).
Landson: sexily supply teacher-like, yet still
replaced by Lina Romay in some versions.
replaced by Lina Romay in some versions.
Fighting on opposite sides during World War II (Maitzell alongside Rommel, Blabert with Monty) Maitzell has a business proposition for his former adversary; it appears that $6,000,000 worth of Nazi gold went missing during a battle in the Libyan desert and there’s every reason to think the gold is still there.
Blabert agrees and goes to fetch his map of the site but just when you think that the movie is going to become a kind of 'Indiana Jones vs. the undead' style adventure (albeit a wee bit cheaper) Maitzell stabs Blabert with a poisoned biro and legs it with the map and his wife.
Destination: the oasis (of death).
A short time later in London (England) , Blabert’s son, also named Robert (Gélin), receives a telegram regarding his dads death and so decides to embark post haste to Tripoli.
While he’s getting his stuff together for the journey, Robert Jr. finds his dad’s wartime diary, complete with the exciting tale of his mission to intercept the Nazi gold.
It's so exciting in fact that it causes the picture to go all wobbly as we experience an incredibly overlong flashback full of glaring continuity errors, too much acting and unnecessary sex scenes (much like the one in Zombie Lake if I'm honest)....
"I can see your house from here".
Important things that we learned from this sequence include the fact that between 1943 and 1983, Robert Snr. didn't age one jot (is he perchance related to Howard Vernon’s Zombie Lake Mayor Hoek?), that Robert Jr. was conceived during the war yet is only in his early twenties and that his mum was as a sheiks daughter (and played by the sultry-and slightly boss eyed- Doris Regina, star of Orgy of the Nymphomaniacs).
Lucky fella.
"I love you....could it be magic?"
Anyway, Robert manages to persuade his pals, ugly Mark Hamill-alike Ronald (Viellard), lank haired troll Sylvia (Audret), and the pube headed, bespectacled Ahmed (Aristu, whom you may remember from The Night of Sincere Sex), to come to Libyan and hunt for the gold.
Back with Colonel Maitzell and his wife (admit it you'd forgotten about them hadn't you?), well it seems that they've arrived at the oasis (alongside some badly dubbed shirtless hired muscle) and have decided to rest the night and start excavations first thing in the morning.
Not even with Julian Brazier's.
Whilst the Colonel and his missis sleep (well he sleeps, she just continues to smoke) the muscle men sit around playing cards and thinking of the best way to screw over the Maitzells and keep the gold for themselves (they are very, very bad men).
Before they can make a decision tho' the dunes come alive with the sound of undead Nazis rising from their graves beneath the sand.
"Aye son!"
The Colonel manages to escape the ensuing blood bath but not before he's given a nasty hickie by one of the zombies (and we all know what that means), but being such a hard man he's able to stumble back to Tripoli and (luckily) stumble across Robert and his pals before dying badly.
"Wanna go for a ride in my love machine?"
Robert seems to find the whole situation a wee bit annoying as does Ronald seeing as it's interrupted his attempts to worm his way into the affections of the cutely blond, dungaree wearing Erika (Lomay from the classic Pussy Talk 2), assistant to kindly anthropologist Professor Denikan (Mansion of the Living Dead star Gratziano) and his colleague Steve Soontodie (he's that unimportant he doesn't even get a credit on the movie, poor sod....or very lucky sod depending on how you rate the film).
Maitzell not even cold when Dave Lee Travis decides to burn the Colonels body.
Which is nice.
This, the ex Radio One Deejay explains in great depth, is because anyone bitten by a zombie will rise from the dead (really? well I never).
Jason King: The messiah years.
Robert and his pals are suitably non plussed by all these tales of death (and the fact that the hairy cornflake has just torched a corpse) and reckon that after a good nights kip they can go visit the Sheik to borrow a camel then be at the oasis and back with the gold before tea time.
Also undeterred Denikan, yummy Erika (after some soft focus hot lovin' with Ronald), and Soontodie decide to leave for the desert straight away and set up camp ready for Rob and companies arrival.
"Is it in yet?"
The next day they finally get to Denikan's camp to find the scientific party covered in blood and love bites whilst their native guide runs around like a wuss screaming “The living dead! The zombies! The zombies that came out of the sandwich is there!”
Robert assumes this is some kind of sick joke, even going as far as to accuse Denikan of making the whole thing up when the poor guy wakes up shouting the same thing.
"You have a ladder in your tights
that goes all the way up".
With our heroes banded together at the oasis, the scene is set for a climactic battle between the living and the dead....which would be nice seeing as so far we've only seen the zombies for about 10 minutes in total.
The Degrassi family, Saltcoats, May
bank holiday weekend, 1976.
bank holiday weekend, 1976.
Suddenly the dead begin to rise from the dunes hell bent on eating the would be gold-baggers....
Will Robert and his friends survive the attack?
Will they find the gold?
Will Erika escape or will the zombies eat her whole? (seeing as most of the undead spit that bit out).
Is 'gold-baggers' actually a word?
And how many of my reviews will feature that 'joke' (which was way past it's sell by date when they used it in Carry On Columbus)?
"I'll do anything for those Cha-Cha heels!"
Franco's Oasis of the Zombies can be viewed as a terrifying companion piece to Jean Rollin's classic Zombie Lake, seeing as both films share a similar plot, villains and structure.
Oh yes, and the same script.
Bizarre as it sounds it's true and, to add even more confusion to the background of the epic Oasis was actually released in dozens of re-edited versions, each one concentrating on a different thread of the plot.
But the strangest thing regarding Oasis of the Zombies is that Franco shot two separate versions of the film simultaneously, one for the French market and one for the Spanish.
Neither of them that good.
"Curses He-Man!"
As with most (all?) Jess Franco flicks the acting varies from unemotional cardboard to sturdy MDF with most of the females being cast due to arse size rather than any thespian ability. Make-up wise the Nazi zombies are a step up from the green, gloss painted goons of Zombie Lake (which admittedly isn't that difficult) tho' some do look a wee bit too much like necrophiliac sex dolls for my liking.
The Ryan Seacrest love doll: Insert cock here.
Worth a look for any fans of the much maligned Nazi zombie genre or large 1970's European arses.
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